The black hole

There's a black hole in my heart that wants to pull me in
But I'm too still for her.
I have glued my spirit down to earth
Because I'm fighting the urge not to get under it
I practice every day so that I don't have to breathe
I pour sleeping pills over my thoughts
And don't let myself go to bed but when it's time to sleep.
I go away hoping there is no space for dreams
In the place where drugs have clouded my mind
In the place where people and meaningless conversation
Have numbed my tongue.
There is this space that I constantly have to fill
With constant, solid things
So that it doesn't disband in tears
I work and kill the morning hours so that the sun can't see me
I draw the curtains until the very last centimeter
Afraid his warmth might reach me
And make the black hole visible onto my skin.
I put sunscreen all over me so that it doesn't get darkened
I put makeup so that the green goes away from under my eyes
I go around so fast so they don't have time to notice
The bruises all over my body
From how much I've been fighting
To keep it inside.
I look away when you try to catch my look
Because I am ashamed that if you would stare
There would be that hole there
Like a grim reaper at the end of my eyes
In the centre of the brown you find beautiful
Because you don't have time enough
To catch me being untruthful.