vineri, 30 decembrie 2016

Decrescent

I wait until all the lights go off
And everyone falls asleep
I wait in front of my cold cup of tea
And long forgotten about it
All these hours that I here forever sit
And look up the window
How the night turns dark
And you'll forget my name
I know it must be so
Some of these days
Until the year is complete
And so the moon in your heart for me
It slowly decreases until there's nothing left
But air, very thin
And then the sun, a replacement
Where, not so long ago,
Only I have been.


A miracle

Let's take the first train out of the city
I say to my friend
"Sure, you do that
And I'm taking the first bus home"
I sigh.
We are smoking two dead cigarettes
Somewhere on a street
In this dead city
Ever so dead these last few days
You sit and say
Only a miracle could make you
Move yourself up from that bench
I say let's go find it
But you think I'm not the right person for it
Your miracle
And that you'd get bored with only me
As if we needed something else
In the cold dead night
Other than two mouths that know each other
And can easily shut up
While we save our heat
To reach the end of this dark
Until the new year comes up.

joi, 29 decembrie 2016

Frozen

I lie on your shoulder
Freezing cold, with two glasses of wine
And not so warm gloves
Your mom is talking with you on the phone
And shouts for a minute
I pull myself closer to you and whisper
'I'm glad you're not like that'
My only normal friend
My only friend.
I reach home with glass
Instead of fingers and toes
I remember how I saw a man
With reindeer horns
As I was walking down the road
It's funny how it doesn't hurt
When you no longer feel nothing at all
I have this frozen body
And warm water that feels too cold
I take a shower that is more like a bath
By the looks of my tub.
You always come in after a while
To ask if anything is wrong
And get closer to check
In case I tell you a lie
One of these days, since you are not here at all
I might never stop that water from running
And turn forever cold.

miercuri, 28 decembrie 2016

Sweater meshes

We have a pointy needle on the wall
And sharp claws at the end of our cat's paws
But them I can't ask you to hammer back in
For unraveling my sweaters' meshes.
We live in a house full of cups and spoons
And a kitchen full of teabags
That plugs our sink's flushing sometimes
But you don't complain
As other people do
Just like you don't complain
When you hear me flush my nose
Or make funny laughs
While I sit all heavy on your belly
Like a pie
Or a cub.
We have a washing machine
All full of laundry
But you sit in front of the TV barefoot
While I tell you how your feet are wet
They wet my Santa socks
As we keep them stuck together
Paws on paws
And I spin my teaspoon
In my cup of tea
But they are just cold, you see.
One of these hours
I'll send you out to buy some bread
The coke you like
And a pack of cigarettes
For you finished mine
While I was asleep
But for now we'll just stick
With the tea
In front of the TV
Turn off the movie on channel three
That's already started
And watch Ice Age from my CD
Until our hungry bellies growl
With discontent.

marți, 27 decembrie 2016

Roasted chicken

There are three types of salad in our fridge
And two cakes
Actually only one
Done in bigger proportions
Because it's the one I like best
Actually the only one I can make.
There are three types of salad in our fridge
And two cakes.
And I'm eating my mother's peanuts
In the cupboard under the desk
But I send you out to buy some chicken
A roasted chicken to eat for lunch
Even though it's already dinnertime.
Charlie and the chocolate factory
Is running in the distance
And I'm wearing my favorite sweater
For three days already
You get up and say
How you don't like
Their British accent
And leave for the  super
That's only open 'til seven.

luni, 26 decembrie 2016

Pear shampoo

I wash my hair
I ask you to boil me
A cup of tea
And I go in the balcony
To hang the washing out.
I hear the cat scratching
Some wooden tiles on the floor
As I sit on the corner of the bed
With one hand holding the dryer
Next to my hair
And with the other writing down
Some words I saved in my phone
You come in to tell me
Tea water is ready
And to put something on
Or I'll catch a cold
You rest a moment
To say my hair smells like pears
You come closer to check
It smells like that indeed, you say
Then go back to your computer games
This is just another ordinary day.

duminică, 25 decembrie 2016

The 25th

It was the 25th.
I left the house after a while
And went out to see my father
Who was alone on Christmas day.
I personally didn't feel like going out
I was getting used to the air in my house
As I always do
After some days of inactivity
Laying down, just laying down
With no wish and no agenda
To wake up or to walk out.
Finally: there I was
Not as cold as I expected
Surely not as crowded
It's funny how the road seems to climb
Like out of a dream
As you leave the old familiar path
Near the block
That suddenly seems strange
Every new year
Every few days
The world is a strange place to me.
No people on the streets
No wind in the air
You feel like floating
And your body is light
On this cold deserted planet
Outside your house.

This is a day I can't hear the cars
And the blocks have sweat
In this purple light
Next to the bus station where I wait
Not sitting on the little bench
Like so many times before
For I already feel relaxed
Like in a sleep, my mind someplace else.
I wonder why are there so little people
Walking their dogs in jackets
(Both them and their pets)
I wonder who is walking who.
I wonder why are there so little cars
Outside on the streets,
And why are they even there at all
Where are they going to
When people are resting behind purple lights
And sweaty blocks
Perhaps even sweaty sheets
But my eye doesn't reach that far
And from out here
It all seems dead all the same
No matter the day, the year
And the hour
This whole scenery repeats.

The loan

I just can't grow any further
My roots are nearing their ends.
So are my flowers
They can offer no more to the world
From whom they borrowed
A short amount of time
Which, up until this day
They haven't honored
With nothing of value.
So now, the hour has come
That I give it back to you -
My time of sorrow.

Leaning

Leaning forward with my head
Pressed over bathroom tiles
I remember how I never feel safe
Except for when I have hot water
Pouring over my soft parts.
I always feel like almost out
Of an embrace
That no human
With their legs crossed over me
Can offer
In my most intimate parts.
I wonder
When will the time come
To not feel that space
That breaks me apart
And to feel warm
Underneath something else than water
To fill my unsure heart.

Touch has a memory

I cannot unsee
What I have seen
I cannot unfeel
What I have felt
This is why I never touched
Out of fear a body
Will leave holes in it
That in absence,
Would kill me whole
Whenever I thought about you
Too much.

The absent-minded

Sometimes the skin is so soft
You can't even feel it
And every touch becomes absent
Just like your floating body
On the floor
This would be the best time
To try and hurt myself
Cut and let that forgotten pain go
A whole in the body
For the whole in the heart
You spent so much time trying to ignore.
And now as your mind goes dizzy
It suddenly seems so easy
The way the world stops
And you can finally let go.

miercuri, 21 decembrie 2016

Lines

"I am afraid that if I stretch too much
My arms around you
They might break your lines"
The lines that keep your body together
And alone from me.
That's what you said me that day
The day it suddenly turned cold
And your hug too stone as ice
To touch me lightly like it did before
You suddenly wanted to break me
Because you were angry
But you couldn't, you see
I'm not that easily broken
And you are never that angry at me.

Recreate

In class they tell us to bend on one side
Like a banana, looking at its feet.
The body is a faceless curve now
It has nothing more to hide, with its ends bent
Forming a clean cut where it used to split.
It can speak clear to the world now
It wants nothing from it
Just a small space
Underneath the ground
To live in quiet
And rest for a while
Watching little figures float
On the surface of the earth
While he can recreate himself
Away from dirt,
Away in time,
Happily curved around a thought
There, where the light can't touch it
Its ghost of love
That could last an eternity.


Clean paper

I opened up my notebook
Wishing to write
About how I feel
These days I haven't been really good at that
Telling how I feel
Even though I have drowned
Repeatedly
Bending over the bathtub
In dark days
With my hair wet, and my face wet
Over thoughts I can't stop
Don't want to stop
From hearing.
I have cried so much
Inside my head
That my lips when they open
They don't know what to say
Or how to move
They just close back
They don't know how to form a thought
And deliver it to the other.
When I raise my hand across the table
You won't feel my warmth
For that didn't happen
I never moved
Never touched
Never delivered.

Did I have a good day?
No, I had a forced day,
A forced happiness,
Forced survival
Like any other day
Like months and years
No end
Just lies
Lives I can not bear to have
In my head alone
And nothing touching my sight
I long to see something real
More than anything else these days
When I hold my breath to hear
Your voice speaking my name.

duminică, 18 decembrie 2016

The green sweater

I made myself beautiful today
Put on some lipstick
And the green sweater
You brought me last Christmas.
I left the house really happy
For I was going to see you
Walk with you in the city
For the first time in months.
We were out for a proper date
One week before the holidays
When I was going away.

I left the house feeling happy
Only to hear you complain
That I ruined your day
You didn't remember about any date
And told me you were going to spend
Your last free day at home, to sleep.

I made myself beautiful today
Put on some lipstick
And your favorite sweater,
That for some reason
I put it away,
And came back feeling nothing
For you didn't want me to stay.

Christmas spirit

Christmas is just an excuse
For sad people to gather around
Spend money, eat and pretend
Like they are a family
Like they are happy
And like they love each other
When none of it is true.

Christmas is just an excuse
For sad people
To pretend.
For some of us
There is no energy left.

Christmas is just an excuse
For people to pretend like they are people
When what they really are
Is faceless machines:
I look at you only from eyes down
They are inexpressive anyways.
They gather only to talk
But never to listen
They gather to eat
But never to taste
And they raise only to touch
But never to feel
When they are touched back.

What present will you bring me
This Christmas?
Is it something I want
Or the chance to realize
You don't know anything about me?
Is it just a family gathering
Or the time you offer each other
Some love?
Is it a day in a year,
Permanent happiness
Or nothing at all?

What present will you bring me
This Christmas
Is it just an excuse
To sit in a chair
Surrounded by strangers
I didn't see in a year
And who, if weren't for Christmas,
Wouldn't bother to give
A cup of call?

Is it for Christmas?
Or is it just an excuse
For me to feel
Nothing at all.

sâmbătă, 17 decembrie 2016

False memories

It seemed only natural that I should see my ghost
Sitting calmly one day in the same room as me
Perfectly reachable to the touch of others
When I thought about it so much inside my head.
The only question for me was
When will that day come?

I have all sorts of ghosts
That live in there
Ghosts of the past
Ghosts I haven't met
Ghosts of myself
Of the people that I am
All at the same time.
I become a different one
Each time I make contact
I am someone else for everybody
But what more than a walking ghost?
A living dead
I am all the people that I've met
I am all the people I've been with
Now that they've all left
What remained is nothing but a ghost
Without a body to love.

What if one day my ghost came back home?
Is the memory of a dream false if it never happened
Or if it's just in my head?
I have so many memories of you,
Even though we've never met
You've lived in my head for so long
That now, when I look around
The space around me has traces
Of where our minds touched in winter nights
The only time where we can be together:
The light is not erasing you
Nor your feet on the floor
Cuz you don't have any
The warmth doesn't melt your body
Your soft, cotton skin
For I can never grab it
And the fact that you are just a ghost
Is not really a big thing
Because i can feel it -
Everything.

vineri, 9 decembrie 2016

Social being

I only like to meet you when it's dark
And you can't see my face
As I slowly adapt my breath
And my face
With its stubborn teeth
To the act of talking.

You see, other people
When leaving their house
Need to adjust their eyes
At the sight of dark.
When leaving my house
I need to adjust my eyes at the sight
Of people.

joi, 8 decembrie 2016

Closure

We were intimate without touching
Like birds must be
Sharing a brench
Some smidgens of bread
Or better - some insects
In the lucky days.
Always flying at one another
Always reaching with their beaks
Almost as about to share a secret
But what words could come out
From their teethless mouths
Always reaching
Never touching
But everyday feeling
That this day, shivering together
In the cold winter, sharing a brench
They were closer
Always a bit more closer
Than the day before.

luni, 5 decembrie 2016

Scene of the crime





Before their last breath
Insects die with their legs crossed.
I remember this is how you left me
That final time I let
You inside my heart and in my bones
A creature other than my own
Inhabit my bitter self
And what you did was push me aside
Calling me names about my shrunk body
That couldn't relax for the stranger outside.
That was also the first time
And I've been with you ever since
Without loving you a single bit.
But my poor heart kept trying
As my flesh couldn't forgive
The marks you left on my open body
That first time when you didn't love me
A single bit.


vineri, 2 decembrie 2016

Reflection

When I look in the reflection on my entry glass
At the door to my house
I try to take a picture of it, so I can show you
How I look like in the evening, when I come home
But the camera stops with a flash
And you can't see my reflection.
I'm like a ghost
Only I can see myself.

I hate it when people try to make contact
Confessing to me
About their feelings
Or declarations of love.
It always feels like they want something
And I have nothing to offer.
It's like at some point I've been broken
And all of my feelings have fallen apart,
Down somewhere,
And I can't reach them.
Lately I've been feeling
I don't want to anymore.
And the little that I have left
Is to survive only
The ultimate quest
The ultimate wish:
To shrink.
So don't accidentaly rub your leg
Against mine
Nor push me with your elbow
In sign of joke -
It's not funny.
And don't kiss me on my cheeks
At goodbye -
I don't kiss.
I don't touch you
So don't touch me back.

I hate it.
I fear it.
I cry over it. Late at night. Every night.
You don't know repugnance like I do.
So don't reach for me
Please
I'm not there.

marți, 29 noiembrie 2016

Late night ghosts

I think about you all the time
When I'm alone or I'm with others
That I sometimes forget how I'm alone
And you're away and almost
Always with others
And think of me rarely
But not as much
As to keep you late at night, you say.

Only if you knew how many times
It kept me
And woke me late in the morning to remember
The walk we had together for an hour
Was unreal, but a dream
That the image of you is so fragile
It simply crumbles
At the rays of dawn
And I have to look at pictures
Quickly, so I don't lose my ghost
But mostly,
It is so I don't lose my mind.

Only now I almost had you
I saw your picture in my head
And in my face
And relaxed all of a sudden, as in a dream
There was someone there, but I only saw
You and me, together, in dim lights
With two cups of something in front of us
Empty, with the liquid
Already on our lips
And them, not moving
To speak a word, but smile
Finally silent
Finally reaching
To touch
Our hands across the table
As I raised my arm to hold you
Finally happy.

luni, 21 noiembrie 2016

Gummy beared body

As it stood there
The body didn't look like a body anymore -
A surface
A curve
A broken circle
A lost horseshoe
Or a yellow jelly
Like those children find
In yellow gummy bears.
You chew me
Only for you
And my body feels sweet
For the fact it only looks that way
Like a ripped gummy bear
In the first light of day.

When the body hides its head
And stays naked like this
You almost forget it has an age.
Suddenly
It looks like the body of a baby
Stretched out
Like an elastic jelly
A colorless jelly, a tasteless jelly
Suddenly
The body feels soft
For the fact it only looks that way
You could almost feel the short hairs
Golden ones
Like in chicken fluffs:
What we have here is a bigger baby
With sadder thoughts.

Fetal - Credits

Tonight the sky

Tonight the sky looked like neon
As if someone from up there
Beyond the veil
Took a chewing gum
And stick it in the dark
As if it were a screen
A wet screen
Smelling of sweet and saliva.

vineri, 18 noiembrie 2016

When the baby was a little man

I remember how the baby
Was afraid of water.
Now the baby falls so deep into the water
Every time he sees you
It falls from his eyes
Waters his lungs
Makes him choke.

When the baby was a baby
It knew no tears
Except for those
That required attention to the body
His little human heart
Hasn't yet been broken apart.

When the baby was a little man
He learned how to draw grooves
Inside his fists, his shoulders
In the hollow of chest
For his waters to rest.
So that every time he was about to fall
He would tighten his body
Wouldn't let it show
And his heart wouldn't be drowned
As so many times before.

But from time to time
Even the grown up baby
Is afraid of water
And his body crumbles
Every times he sees you
And his little human heart
Gets soaking wet
Because you make him forget
He has a body at all.
kayeblegvad.tumblr.com
 

joi, 17 noiembrie 2016

The last days

I think of you from time to time
And I mostly smile
I think of you from time to time
And I feel like crying.

I remember how you looked like
That day in the park when you stood and smiled
And waited until you got home to tell me
How pretty you found me
That last day
"Mighty pretty
I felt like taking a picture
But it felt like some sort of rape
Without your permission".
I remember some other day
You stopped and gave me
A long hug goodbye in front of the block
And waited until you got home to tell me
How sad you felt and how you'd miss me
How you had a feeling
We'd grow far from each other
How that would be the last time
We'll ever be that close.
How right you were.


But not this guy

I sit on the bus
I close my eyes
Suddenly the man next to me has your scent.
It's late in the afternoon
The hour people are coming home
And the time of day they have that smell
That warn smell of sweat
Mixed with the flavor of their shampoo
And maybe with the washing powder they use
Some come in the scent of sweet
Some smell like my mother's laundry in the winter.
But not this guy
He smelled of summer
The smell you had the day I kissed you
And your neck was wet from the thrill
And your hair was soft
Like a baby's sort of soft
I remember how I liked to press it on my fingers
And how I thought we humans have the same scent of skin
That vanilla undertone our body secretly has
When it gets warm
The smell of home
My father told my mother she had
That he would recognize it from a thousand other women
When he would press his skin against hers.
You had the same scent of skin that night
The smell I get when I overstay with my head upon my arm
And my face keeps its warmth
You had that certain feeling
I got when I changed my spot on the pillow
When it got too warm in the morning
And the material kept its smell
A perfume without a bottle.

I remembered how you smelt that way
When you carried your bike in the sunlight
That day in the park
You stayed closer to me
Than any other day
And hugged me on the bench at night
While I was leaning on your shoulder
And when our skins pressed like sheet papers
I felt how the sun had left a mark on your body
Getting that smell again.

You used to tell me
How you'd introduce me to your dog
Watch movies together in open air
And have picnics in the forest outside the city
And wouldn't accept a no.
I remember how you showed me the park near you
My favorite park
What a beautiful day that was
Among the first daysof summer
The only ones we got
Until the hot wather came
And the sun took you away.

I think of you from time to time
And your picture fades away
There are days where I can't grab a face
Or the way your funny teeth smiled in the sun.
Except for days like these
When I close my eyes
And I can pretend a stranger on the bus
A man I've never met
Smells like home.

luni, 7 noiembrie 2016

The last time



You keep saying how you’ll come visit
Lately I’ve gotten used to the feeling
You’re never gonna come around again
And there are times when I get afraid
That’s the last I’ve seen of you
And try to remember the last time I saw you
How you looked like that day
The smile on your face as you pulled back
Our shortest hug
Our last hug
The doors closing in front of us
And the promise
A promise we’ll go back to that moment
And live it together all over again.

But we didn’t.
And I try to remember the last time I saw you
Maybe the last time I’ll ever see you
I never got to say goodbye.

Strangers again

Before we were friends
We were strangers
Because we didn't meet
And didn't talk
And introduce ourselves.
Now we are strangers again
Because we don't meet
Don't talk
And don't introduce ourselves
Into each others' lives
Anymore.

Before we were friends
We were strangers.
Now we are strangers again
Strangers with memories.

marți, 25 octombrie 2016

The bad day

You know you are going to have a bad day
When someone yells at you at 5 p.m.
And you spend the rest of the day
Looking out the window
Until it darkens and you start to freeze;
Locked up in the bathroom
With the water on
Staring at the tiles on the wall;
Covered in your blanket
Up over the head;
Sometimes not going to eat or pee for hours
Out of fear of leaving your bed
All because some stupid, painful words
Have remained stuck at the back of your head.

duminică, 23 octombrie 2016

Numb

Some days my leg takes a long time
To come back after staying still for a while
And it disappears from my waist down
Leaving me standing in one foot
And a half of cotton
Instead of the other.
Some days I feel like the blood
Won't come into my body
To make it work again
It always takes time
And it always hurts
That itch
When it comes back to me
Worse than I remembered.

Some days I get that tickle
When my body starts to wake up
And I know I could stop it right there
Go back to sleep and pretend it didn't happen:
Remembering how to walk,
The memory of my body,
Before the blood comes back again.

luni, 10 octombrie 2016

The tooth



The pain you feel after pleasure
Is the worst kind of pain there is.
It’s not like you left traces of yourself in my body
And it’s not like you shed your skin or anything -
There is no closure, no love, no warmth in that
Your hand never touched mine
And your bare soul never kissed my bare soul back.
It’s just some stranger’s body opening yours for a moment
Weaken your thoughts just to unleash the horror within
The shield you forgot to control for a moment was thin
It was saving you from the sharp world outside
And now you got bruises all over again.
They say never to come back to the thing that broke you
What if the thing that broke you left marks
And whenever someone sees them you get that cut again.
I feel like I can’t allow that to happen anymore
Like I have to protect myself,
And it has to be sustained,
It has to never be seen
That shame of breaking loose in some stranger’s face
The tears, the heart, that open body,
They can’t leave a trace.
I have to keep them safe
And do not let the sharp tooth in my skin
Bite me down to the heart 
Never again.

marți, 4 octombrie 2016

Eclipsa



Vin pe înserat la corpul tău, îți dezleg nodul de la stomac și mă ghemuiesc înăuntru. Îmi aduc aminte cum făceam asta înainte. Mai des. Zilele astea vin tot mai rar să mă așez la tine. Brațele mele se ridică spre stele, departe, și uită uneori că au un corp în care să se odihnească. Trebuie să mă apuci și să mă tragi înapoi de unde am ajuns. E foarte întunecat aici. Ai lăsat într-o noapte ușa deschisă și corpul tău s-a deșirat. M-a lăsat să ies în afară. Te-ai desprins de mine și acum nu mai putem fi împreună decât în nopțile cu eclipsă. Acelea. Sunt nopțile în care dorința ta de a trăi și dorința mea de a muri se întalnesc și pot să mai stea într-un corp împreună.