miercuri, 18 octombrie 2017

Despre morți numai de bine

E ceva sub mine
Ce am îngropat de viu
Și am plecat de lângă groapă înainte să se trezească
Atunci când au turnat pământul corpul dinăuntru era sedat
Sub anestezic nu a simțit nimic
Dar atunci când timpul a trecut parcă l-am auzit cum a urlat
Și a bătut în coșciug disperat
Să-i dau drumul afară, a crezut că l-am trădat.
Au trecut lacrimi cu lunile, ca și cum ar fi trecut anotimpuri
Și corpul a devenit tot mai uscat
Cineva vine și îmi arată noaptea cum încă nu e mort, deși l-am îngropat
Și îl caut în întuneric tot timpul
Toată luna, pentru că atunci când vine soarele mă prefac că l-am uitat.
Am obosit să-mi păcălesc corpul să se ridice dimineața
Ca și cum tu nu ai fi existat.
{2o13} from the my world is not empty without you series
(35mm, lith print, paint)

Rău de mare

Să mă îndrăgostesc e ca și cum aș avea rău de mare
Ceva urlă în mine
Și barca se cutremură
Luntrașii se apleacă peste bord
Și corpurile lor se strâng deasupra apei
Ar vrea să scoată totul afară
Dar e prea mult ce s-a adunat
Și ne înecăm încet
În timp ce ne ascundem cu mâinile goale
Lăsate încă cu palmele în sus
În speranța că furtuna
Le va da niște soare.

sâmbătă, 7 octombrie 2017

Notite XXII

Prognoza meteo: afară plânge.

vineri, 6 octombrie 2017

Notite XXI

Pour some alcohol over me
And give me a little love
Some mashed up dreams
Then watch me catch fire.

joi, 5 octombrie 2017

sometimes the moon

Sometimes the moon
with her big empty eyes
makes dots 
looking at the sun
and she can't see straight.
Those nights are most dangerous
for there are blind eyes watching upon us
and criminals are at ease
on the streets of the earth.
I wish I hadn't met you
on a night like this
when the moon falls in love
with the sun.

Question

Where are you going?
In your body. And I'm never coming back.

luni, 2 octombrie 2017

Notite XX

We become tired of hearing people lie.
And after a while we become dead.

Notite XIX

Se vede că îmbătrânesc
Încep să uit
Tabla adunarii
Doi minus unu face unu
Sau zero?

Out the rabbit hole

When you realize it all has been a lie
You have to get the flowers out with roots and everything
Like tubes planted into your face, coming out of your nose
Bleeding at the hands of those who have chained you to a bed
Took away the truth and gave you a fairy tale instead.
I don't want to be set to sleep while there is still daylight
I don't need to be shown a picture of the world outside
I can see it for myself
And I can tell
You're nothing but a clown
You're nothing but clowns, I've been collecting toys
Nightmarish little toys
Hid them under my bed and let them visit me at night
Let them rape me and didn't put up a fight
And I've forgotten the ways in which a little lie
A kiss you draw onto my mouth in a January night
Can turn into a knife.
And I have wielded it myself
I let that lie come to life
And cut myself into my sleep
Countless times, passionately
The words the blade were whispering to the wound
I took them for "I love you".
But now there is no more flesh to cut
That lullaby has to stop.
Do I look like a child? Don't set me to sleep.
Do I look like a mouse? Go on and set me free.
Do I look like a story? Then don't put an ending to me.

sâmbătă, 23 septembrie 2017

People I knew

The day the man that I knew left
Was the day the girl that he knew left.
They both left me
And now I am alone with someone that I don't know
But I've grown to know for some while now
Just like I knew them too.
Those two children
Too in love to ever grow old
Two children that stopped the world
And got out alone into the light.
Now the girl you knew is no more
In a few moments
She grew ten years older
And the child
Her laugh, her faith
And her light too
Gone forever as well
Swallowed in another train
That you sent her to take alone
That night that you cheated on her.
You could never turn back time even if you wanted to
I never took that train with her
I just stood there and watched her leave
And knew I was going to miss her terribly
Just like you too will
But it will be too late
You're starting to grow old
Just like she is
And the two children that I once knew
Will never recognize each other again.

miercuri, 20 septembrie 2017

Claw-winged creature

We invented a new sort of talking;
I don't know how we should call it
It was something mixed between a bird and a cat,
A claw-winged creature:
You with your fluffy hair
And me with my sneaky ways
We were something of a kind.
We found each other
And danced between earth and sky
And screamed from the top of our lungs
Our love for each other
That no one could understand
At the last floor of a block
Or in an elevator going down
Taking you away from me.
The last time we saw each other
You didn't scream
Like you used to when you closed the doors
But you waited until I went back inside
Taking care of the little cat
Before the bird took its last flight
Down.
Something died that day
Your wings in the elevator
The voice in my throat
When tears burst into my eyes.
And this is how a whole language dies
When the only two people in the world left to speak it
Don't speak to each other
anymore.

Target range

If you could put a target sheet over my body
You could see how the bullets never missed the line.
Ten points if it goes through her stomach
Fifty points if it goes through her head
One hundred if it goes through her heart
Punch her, stab her, cut her through
Until the paper curls at the holes
Until the paper can no longer stay in place
And falls on the ground
And you jump over her
You and your friends
Until it's no longer a paper
But a piece of shred.
You just got maximum of points,
Congratulations, there is no doubt: 
Your target is dead.

miercuri, 13 septembrie 2017

Rugăminte

Aș prefera să închizi gura
Înainte să iasă o mizerie îngrozitoare
Cum ar fi un roi de insecte zburătoare
Negre
Pe care ți-e silă să le vezi noaptea înainte de culcare
Știu că tu nu ai nicio problemă
Să dormi lângă tine
Tu nu te vezi, și nu știi ce nu se simte bine
Dar pentru cine stă pe perna ailaltă
Să fii luat de preș mereu
Nu e o veste minunată.
Dacă vrei să-ți ștergi pantofii
Fă-o la intrare
De-aia am cumpărat carpetă
Ca să o folosești
Și să lași acolo toate răutățile
De care ești în stare.

În altă parte

jacques-henri-lartigue
Pielea mea miroase a sare de mare
Când ajung seara acasă
Deși nu am mai fost la mare de atâta timp
Părul meu își amintește de ea
Și se-nfioară pe creste
Acolo unde soarele nu m-a mai atins
Și nimic
De atâta timp.
Am apă care-mi trăiește-n oase
Se transformă după formele
Celor pe care îi iubesc
Aș putea crede că pielea mea
Nu mai are identitate
Poartă mirosul vostru
Și mă duce prea departe.
Aș vrea să nu fie numai cu gândul
Corpul meu a rămas aici
Și e lovit de valuri sărate
Coborând peste răni vechi
Acoperi-ți-mi-l, vă rog, 
Cineva
Cât eu încă sunt cu mintea
În altă parte.

sâmbătă, 9 septembrie 2017

Notite XVIII

Every now and then
I change the bucket near the bed
It's filled with blood and nightmares
But who cares
That I die every night
If by morning I'm revived?
I throw you all away during the day
Just to start again
When my eyes close
I always thought you were the light of my life
But now I only find you in the darkness
Waiting in the corner with a knife.
How is it that I never win
However much I fight it
I'm always here for you to feed
You leave me nothing
Only empty places
From which to bleed.

joi, 7 septembrie 2017

The one that got away

(or another failed experiment)

Our eyes meet across the street before our bodies do
You say hello, I say hello to you
A quick handshake where we both wished it could be more
But it's only a first date, you don't wish to rush things
And my eyes lower down as my heart stings
I already know what I want, but what he wants I couldn't say
I wish I could just run away
But my legs won't move, and they beg to stay.
The days go by, and we meet again
Every time the same feeling in my chest
Wishing he wouldn't see me as a friend
But his long embraces tell me something else
And my response is always tense.
When he first kissed me it was already our sixth date
I was already counting days and couldn't wait
There were coincidences in every gesture we would make
The places we would put our hands in the bus
Or the sandals we'd wear on the same day
The place our heads would rest in movie theaters seats
And the legs we'd touch by mistake and quickly apologize with a shake
I never thought I could shake so much at the sight of a boy
And it was almost as if I didn't have a choice
When your head leaned spontaneously on the bench
And grabbed my head to kiss me
Just after our first long embrace.
Before we first made love I already thought it was fate
That brought such similar souls together
And decided not to let my happiness wait.
So I rushed in and felt so safe
You took care that I didn't hit my head in your small bed
And smiled happily that I liked your room
Lighted only by one bulb that was red.
There was music on the background, you put in your favorite band
And grabbed me in your arms where I wished I could forever stand.
So what happened, must I ask?
You never gave me an answer until the end
I, who was counting days, never knew when
You thought I wasn't what you wanted
And left me, with a heart broken in ten.
How is it that you do that?
What magic classes do you attend
To make it look so simple and give no meaning to it?
Is it the rule of this game you're all playing?
That once you conquer a territory,
It suddenly becomes ordinary
And leave without a notice, telling your new land
You don't understand how it got so involved
It was all just a game, and once a player wins
The credits roll "the end".
I wish you wouldn't invade me like a piece of dirt
And you the foreign army that comes to occupate this earth
That once you put your hand on
You decide you have to leave for a new country
For this one has ran out of gold.
I'm not a country, I'm a nation that you cross
I'm a whole living being, and not an object that you toss
You worship, you conquer and you take
But when you desert me, it is my heart  you break.
Please do not come if you are going away
Don't sing me a national anthem
And promise to lean at my feet and pray
My home is no palace, I'm a simple woman
And when I say "I love you" I know that I intend to stay.

(For R.)

Curly brown hair

I would have put a picture of you here if I hadn't erased them all

On the last time we saw you, you looked so much younger
Your curly brown hair was now burning brighter
You moved through the crowds almost as if you owned them
And then passed the street to greet with your lover.
I hear that you're building your little life
Up in the center
You're living happily now,
Your job is well
Your family and new friends are treating you better.
Well, I see you there with a smile on your cheek
As you walk to catch the train in the morning
And on the road you fell asleep
Well, I see she's excited as well
She takes a pic as you sit
There, with the head on the table, with your curls
And unshaved beard, all looking weak.
After you've been in the club 'til the sunrise
Now you're running at the seaside
You're up to party every night in every place you meet
But you're in the arms of your lover
And she's holding you deep.

Yes, and Di came by with no memories to share
Not of you anyway
And when I first looked at her, I was happy
For I had nothing left to break.
She was happy and radiant
And laughed all through the night
I was thinking, this is the girl,
The girl you left me for that winter night.
Well, I still thanked for the trouble she took from my life
I thought it was there for good
Full of heartache and lies.
Yes, and Di came by with a whole heart to share
But this time it was mine:
"You're a wonderful woman
Much more wonderful than I".

And what can I tell you, my brother, my lover,
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you.
I'm glad she stood in our way:
It was all a lie to you.
But I was happy
And for that I thank you.

Sincerely,
your "ciusă"

(after the pace of a song from Leonard Cohen)

Dancer in the dark



caderno da desorganização - 2016
How does one know how to dance still?
When she steps on a dark floor
A dark empty floor
With no one to watch
And no music but the one in her head
To grab hold
Yet her hand always reaches further
Always hoping her steps will find safe ground
And a hand to grab in the dark
Yet they never do
And her fingers are never found
How does no one gets to see her
As she leans towards the dance floor?
She makes a bow towards the earth
Her heart always open
Always willing to offer more
And more
As the music in her head
Gets to be only the sound of a slamming door.
How is it that her steps learn
Even the rhythm of a single note
If that is the only memory she has left of him?
How is it that she moves still
Towards that closed door
And dances again the steps you left on the floor
Hoping this way she can still grab a hold
Of a partner in dance
In the dance of love?
How is it that he dances still
Without her?

There was once the story of a boy and girl
Like they say in the fairytales, in a time far far away
That is said to last forever
In the heart of a little girl
That never ages, never grows cold
And dances happily ever after
With nothing but her dream to hold.

Will you remember this
As you grow old?
Our fairytale, like the one our parents told,
There, in the empty room, when you’ll be alone
And a tune from far away comes in your mind
Wouldn’t you wish you could get up and dance
To that sweet dear song?
But you’ll have no one left
No loving little girl
Just your own body to hold
Alone and miserable
As you realize how much
You were once loved.
But it will be too late
And yourself too old
And she may be dead
But you can’t forget
How you did her wrong
Nor the taste her lips had in that cold wind
On a winter night
In January two thousand and fourteen.

miercuri, 6 septembrie 2017

Notite XVII

Tell me something nice
Like all this has a purpose
Like I matter
Like I can make someone's life better
Only by being in it
Not now
But someday
One day
Because you trust in it
I will too.

duminică, 3 septembrie 2017

Notite XVI

Here comes that empty feeling in my heart again.

After the fall

I’m Your Burial Ground photo series, 2017
© Eloīza Rozentāle
If I try, maybe I could go back
Before everything fell apart
Before I met you
Before I met people
Before I could talk
Before I could share myself
And watch it all walk away from me.
It was better when I knew nothing of this world
It was better when I didn't try to understand
What makes a wolf kill a weaker creature
And what makes her get up and stand.
There is a law of survival in this darkness
And if you match a light
And go in good heart, you'd think they'd let you through
But it is darkness you fight against darkness
And it is death that gives place to another life
Your life, his place
And it is the knife, and not the gentle cheek
That breaks a beast's hold
You can make it through
But only if you bleed and turn your heart cold.
This is what they did
This is what you'll do.
You turn your soul to ice
And nothing,
Not even his sharp tongue,
Can break through.

Recolta

netosen Project | 2013 | Model: Sechmet | by: Neto
Dacă te-ai uita înăuntru, te-ai speria
Nu am vrut niciodată să te sperii
De aceea nu m-am dezbrăcat niciodată complet
Pentru nimeni.
Sufletul meu e pârlit
Și tot ce a rămas sunt rădăcini
Rădăcini care încă cresc, nu știu de unde
Peste vreascuri de carne topită
Pe care nu le-a curățat nimeni.
Aș vrea să tai tot ceea ce a căzut
Ca să cresc sănătoasă din nou
Dar e prea multă arsură pe dinăuntru
Și sunt îndrăgostită de rănile mele
Ca un câine care-și linge sângele
La nesfârșit.
Fiecare amintire trăiește acolo
Și crește peste rădăcinile noi
Și se îndoaie de margini
Și se învârte și se încurcă
Până nu mai știu care e fiecare
Corpul meu nu le poate susține pe toate
Și încearcă să le scuipe pe unde poate
Dar nu poți să arunci plantații întregi
Fără să le scoți cu pământ cu tot.
Când eram mică bunicul mă învăța să aleg buruienile
Și spunea ce trebuie tăiat din când în când
Pentru a lăsa florile să crească
Dar eu nici atunci nu am înțeles
De ce ar trebui ceva să moară
Pentru ca restul să trăiască.
Nu mai pot să strâng nimic
Fără să-mi fie greață
Și dacă nu te tai pe tine
Viitorul nu poate să crească.

sâmbătă, 2 septembrie 2017

Shelter

Drawing: Henn Kim
Where do you live?
Inside their hearts, she answered.
And when they are gone?
They are always gone, she answered.
And where do they leave you? On the streets?
They don't leave me anywhere
They go and I find a place elsewhere.
I am a wolf, remember?
I know how to manage.
They taught me that
For sure
Look at how I'm savage
You think my soul is sore
For every beast that left me on the road?
I know they're dead somewhere
Bitter and alone
For blood tastes good only for a while
Later the beast is left hungry
And the lonely wolf dies.
That's why I always find myself a home
The pack survives
And even if they rip my heart out
In the coldest of nights
When the spring comes
I'll rise.

vineri, 1 septembrie 2017

Notite XV

They say travelers always come back home.
Unfortunately,
Nobody's home.
And my body is home to nobody
Anymore.
Photo: Daisuke Yokota, Teikai (Linger), 2014

marți, 29 august 2017

Notite XIV

Forgive and forget.
For you,
Not for anyone else.

luni, 28 august 2017

Mantra

Photo: desnudamento-ser.tumblr.com
Fake it.
Fake it until you make it, that's what they say.
Maybe if I tell myself everyday
That sheep are dancing, and that they can fly
They will, eventually, and they won't let me die.
Maybe if I tell myself I'm not lonely every night
That the sheep are keeping me company
And hug pillows until I fall asleep
I will be embraced, eventually,
In my sleep, up in the sky.
And maybe if I tell myself every morning
That if I open my eyes you are there
On the other side
You will be, eventually,
And the crying of the sheep will stop
For there is, finally,
Hope.

sâmbătă, 26 august 2017

Notite XIII

Maybe this is the path into becoming a wolf myself.

Aftermath

Photo: desnudamento-ser.tumblr.com
I'm tired of always having to bury the people I love
But I have to, otherwise they would fill me with disease
With disease and with desire
And the dead, they can't stay more than a few days in the sun
They can't stand the light in my house and, other than that,
They stink.
So I ask them to remove the body,
I clean the house and I patiently wait.
What for?
For the pain, of course.
For the pain to come
For the pain to go away. 
I never go to the funerals
I don't need to see them again
I don't need a final goodbye
I don't need any of that.
Once the beloved is gone
There is nothing left to do
Than prepare the bed sheets only for one
And the breakfast too.
All the weekends
And all the happy time
The time in general
I sit for days and prepare time
As if I would sew my laundry
My broken laundry
Gloves and socks
Only for one
Never in pair
As if he was never there.
So I clean the house and patiently wait.
But the pain is never patient
And it never goes away
And the smell either
They never go away.
There is still someone dead in my house
And that someone is me.

sâmbătă, 19 august 2017

Nature boy

You're so beautiful it makes me sad.
Your eyes make little sparks when you smile
And a big hole underneath your left lash,
Near your scar
Where I like to kiss you the best
When you are distracted
And you don't see me
But you don't see me at all
This is why
You're so beautiful it makes me sad.
Your arms become stone-hard
When you hold me underneath
Where you like to kiss me the best
But I am never distracted
Only by you
Each day, every day
But you don't see me
How could you?
You are so beautiful
So beautiful it makes me sad.
Your feet over me in the morning
Leaning heavily
Everywhere
When you are asleep
Like a baby, holding me
Distractedly
Only then
Maybe you see me
Because you need me
I bring you comfort
Bring you pleasure
A place to forget your troubles
Maybe
But you don't see me
As I see you
Because I don't need you -
You don't bring me comfort
You're so beautiful it makes me sad.
You bring me pleasure
But so much pleasure
It almost makes me cry
When I shiver over you
Like a baby too
And you kiss me
And you smile underneath
Because you know.
A place to forget all my troubles
Yes, you are
You're my home
And I love you
When you come knocking at my door
But you are my biggest trouble
When you are away
Because I don't know
When you'll ever ask me to stay
For good.

(For R.)


marți, 1 august 2017

Wolfsbane

I moan silently in the night
Like a squeaking dog
You ask me what is wrong -
You're too weak, wild cat
Much too weak
If you want to come with me into the cold
Please grow strong
Otherwise I will have to leave you here
When the summer ends
Because I've always been a winter wolf
A lonely wolf
That has to survive.
I am just like you, lonely wolf
Forgive me
But if you want me to be your friend
Into the winter
You will have to tame me
And then be responsible for me
The one you tame
For I am still weak, you see
Much too weak, you say
But you chose me
Now please don't cast me aside
Or I will die
And you will never find
Someone to lick your wounds
When the battle comes
Like I would have.
As weak as you see me
I am a particular creature
That grows stronger than all the others
Through the love of her mate
And the fate
Brought two wolves together
A grown-up and a cub 
To save
Them both.

(For R.)

Notite XII

Pielea transpirată miroase a corcodușe.

Mort tăcut

Pentru o secundă e liniște. Te retragi și te desfaci. Corpul tău e greu. Dar nu îl simt greu. Parcă te-ai topi. Și te țin mereu să nu te împrăștii pe lângă mine. Te strâng tot înăuntru cu mâinile goale. Și mâinile tale sunt căzute. Ghearele noastre sunt obosite de cât au sfâșiat. Lupii cad obosiți din luptă. Își usucă sângele unul peste celălalt. Te mângâi pe părul strâns și ciufulit pe care nu mă lași niciodată altcândva să îl ating. Miroși a iarbă udă. Fiara din mine e fericită. Nu mai e nevoie să o hrănesc. Cu nimic. E momentul din zi când mintea mea tace. Singurul moment. Aproape adormim pentru un minut. Nu sunt ferestre la camera noastră. E un spațiu în toate părțile. Un spațiu care se dilată la nesfârșit. Și corpul tău care mă împinge în jos. Pe pielea mea cresc încet flori. Verzi la început. Apoi violete. Și dureroase. Corpul meu prinde rădăcini în tine. Nu va mai fi niciodată sterp. Sau singur acum. Ne scufundăm în saltea. Și pentru o secundă e liniște.

(Pentru R.)

Home?

Why do I feel like crying everytime you crash into me
It's the best feeling I ever had
And the saddest at the same time
I never had love like that
I never wanted to tell someone this bad
How I wish I could die right now
When he's all wrapped into me
Legs and arms
Heads and hairs
Skins and sweat
And I wake up smiling into the night
Wishing I wouldn't have to wake up at all.
Please don't ever leave
I love you
But you will never know
Our bodies are silent
As they die into the night
With screams
And pain
So much pain
From finally being allowed to move
As if they never knew
They had tears of pleasure too
And not only sadness
In a little place
They call home.

(For R.)

Notite XI

Making love to you
Is like a silent cry
Trapped in the walls
That are waiting for the earthquake
To set them loose.

(For R.)

marți, 25 iulie 2017

the baby pups

Maybe we lasted so long
Because we met in the cold season
Where all bodies craved warmth
And I finally could share my own cold
In an embrace that wouldn't grow bored.
Now all the bodies are melting underneath
And want to be lonely
Sleeping in the sun
Like baby pups
Or cats
Like I told him this morning he looked like
A moaning lazy cat
That wouldn't touch, but bite
And brings me fright
Because he is so much like me
A silent wolf
And so less like him
A stupid dog
That only came into the night.
How can the baby pups
Grow strong into the morning
And learn to make love
With their claws
Still not grown
And bite marks
From a species
Not of their own?

Please go gentle

I have to write this
I have to tell you
How much you've hurt me
For the million time
You've taken away from me
All of my covers
And now I'm like a naked apple
All that touches me
Leaves a scratch
New knives in old places
No one reaches so deep
As that old wound
But still
I feel everything so much deeper now
As if you've left me naked
And shivering in the rain
And all the raindrops
Are crashing into my skin.
I wish I could close myself up again
And not look for people
Like they could be covers
Where I have only empty mattresses
I crave
I open
But somehow never completely
They just touch a small surface
And quickly leave
And push me away
They don't want to keep me warm in the night
That good night
I've been searching for ages now.
Is there never gonna safe
For me to walk into the rain again
Is there never gonna be a body
Waiting for me to sink
Like there's no tomorrow
Only this cold night
That I wish to be a good night
At least this time
For me too?

Why can't anybody love me
Why doesn't anyone go gentle
Why doesn't anyone like to hold me
Why can't anybody keep me
I have only one wish
Will you grant it this time?
Oh, Lord,
You've been so cruel
So cruel
I have so much hate to hold
So much longing
And so much hate
I have to stop building homes in other people
For they always crash
Before the night comes
And I have to start again the morning
But I've grown tired
You tell me you can't sleep well
When I'm with you
Well, I can't sleep either
For I am not with you
Not really
You're miles away
Just like he was
Just like the moon is
At least she is gonna be on my sky
Forever, every night
And watch me sleep
With a gentle eye
Waiting to close it
Only when my body will finally die.
(I hope it happens soon
I hope a car crashes into my body
And finally destroys all that room
That nobody wants to live in anymore.)

sâmbătă, 22 iulie 2017

Notite X

Trebuie să pun pământul înapoi la florile care au căzut.

The cast

You told me how you took out your knife
And carved out your way through the bandages
That were healing you
Because you couldn't stand being trapped.
Now you have a broken finger
And a crooked hand
But you are free in the end
You were always free
Thank you for taking me
With you.

Bliss

People are so beautiful
The way they smile when you kiss them
They look like babies.

Your hair turns perfectly blonde then
Your skin red
And your eyelashes stick together
Only to open
With big staring eyes
To check like a newborn
I swear
In that moment
You are ageless
You look blessed
You're out of this time
You're pure light
And you're sinking into mine.

marți, 11 iulie 2017

No penny for the ferryman

As for you
There is a bill waiting for you
At the other side of hell
Waiting to be paid
For all the crimes you have done
Finally
In a day without a sun.

This time I'm gonna keep it to myself

Forgive me
When I see you
When you hold me
It's just too much for me to take
That sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be sick
And if I draw away from you
It is because I fear
The light gathered in my throat
Is gonna choke me
And implode.
Forgive me
I can't give people any more knives
To stick inside
I simply cannot
You don't know how after that much happiness
Comes just as much pain
Too much
And it's been too much for me lately
To take.
Forgive me
But you don't know how they played
In monstrous ways
And it's not just my body
I can't allow anyone to touch
But my mind too
Because once I allow you to look
I'll be exposed completely
And you may laugh at my open doors in time
And it's a risk I just can't take.
Forgive me
I want to trust you
But somehow every time I try to make
My way to you
A skin can't but remember
All the other skins that scratched onto it
And all the other boys
All the other bodies
That broke it apart.
Forgive me
At least if you're gonna leave
You didn't make me believe
There was something horrible like a hope
Waiting to kill me again.

marți, 4 iulie 2017

Put a name to my imaginary past

You used to roll me up in the air
And put names to our imaginary babies
After you and after me
And say how you would like them to look like me
Because you loved me so much
You did, didn t you?
Or it was all a lie
And that s what you were saying to all of those girls
You were taking out in the meantime
And spent all your money with
And all your time
And all your love
And all your dreams.
Were you telling them too about our imaginary babies
Or you were making up new ones with them?
Were you telling them of our walks in the parks?
While we stood for hours at the roots of trees
All curled up
As if we were growing ourselves
In the ground
Were you calling them
In the ways you used to call me
In our special voice
Were you calling them
Like you used to call me
Your "chicken"
And laugh about
How it sounded?
Were they writing love poems to you on tea tables
In your first month together
Were you telling them you love them
Like you did with me
Straight away?
Did they believe you?

Were you telling them about our short holidays?
When we were living all by ourselves
Shopping together
Cooking together
And sleeping together
And washing together
More than twins living aside.
Were you telling them the clothes you were wearing
Were all from me 
And you were making love with them
Covered still in all of my love?
Were you telling them all of the moves
You learned them from me?
Were you telling them
How I made you a man?
Were you telling them your bones
And your holes
Were only made for one shape
Like you used to tell me?
Were you telling them you had a girl waiting at home?
For you
With your imaginary babies
And your imaginary love
And your imaginary relationship
Because she was just crazy
And you denied her all along
And all of your memories
As if your whole life together
Was imaginary too.

luni, 3 iulie 2017

Give me a family

How I like families in the morning.
Give me a family too
I want to be the child an airplane of bread flies to
I want to be the child you feed
I want to be the child you caress
I want to be the child you try your best
With.
I want to be the father that cuts those little slices of bread
And feeds the little baby
And holds his lovely wife
While he is making coffee
And hot milk
For everybody.
I want to be the mother that wakes up first
And kisses everyone good morning
I want to be the mother that washes the little child
And helps him use the potty
And makes omelette
With fresh ham
And warm bread from the baker.
I want to be the mother
That sits last at the table
And you draw the chair to help me
While you put your arms around my shoulders
And say you will pour me coffee this morning
Because I am too tired
Taking care of everybody.

Give me a family
Put me in a shelter
Forget me not
For I am trying to not
Shatter into pieces
Like the stray animals
I keep collecting in my house
And force feed them
For they do not want to eat
If they are not taking their breakfast
With their family
In the morning.

miercuri, 28 iunie 2017

Monthly check

6 boxes of pills a month
5 hours of sleep a night
this is what keeps my body together
and the feelings away
for 4 months now.
the doctor asks if I want to see him again
in 3 months
you seem better, Alice
how are you dealing with the pain?
all these memories, doctor
they are making me sick
the past always must be paid for, Alice
and I'm paying for it with my vomit and my blood
every day, so don't say another word.
i have 2 different crushes a month
and 1 person who truly cares about me
if I wouldn't have him i would go insane
the doctor asks me what helps
what truly helps?
6 boxes of pills
5 hours of sleep
for 4 months now
in 3 months i'll recover for sure, he says
but i still have 2 different crushes a month
and nothing sorts out
if that 1 person who cares about me
wouldn't call each and every week
for a new cup of tea
and a little talk with me
oh, then, my mad hatter,
Alice would go crazy.

luni, 26 iunie 2017

"Fish don't have any feelings"

Când eram mică îmi doream să fiu o sirenă. Stăteam cu picioarele împletite în cadă și nu voiam să mă uit în jos la oasele mele. Cel mai mult îmi plăcea să umplu hârtiile de solzi și să sper că eu mă aflam sub liniile alea curbe de apă, și nu niște fete desenate fără nas. Niciodată nu m-am priceput la desen. Niciodată nu mi-a plăcut să pun nasul la ce desenam. Mereu am crezut că le strică fața. Cred că mi-am dorit întotdeauna să nu fie nevoie să respire măcar. Să stea numai în apă dacă e posibil. Fără bule. Și cu ochii închiși. Acum apa doar mă ustură când îmi cade peste tăieturi. Dar tot e singura care mă liniștește. Încă am solzi dacă îmi întorc puful de păr în sus. Și am reușit să ajung să nu mai pot să respir. Am nevoie să vărs totul pentru asta. Să rămân fără pic de lichid în mine. Numai atunci corpul meu se umflă cu aer. Și mă pot mișca la loc. Numai atunci îmi revin. Apa mă iubește. Numai în ea găsesc alinare. Și dacă închid ochii mai pot fi încă o dată acolo. La șase ani într-o cadă plină cu apă. Crezând că sunt pește. Un pește pe care nu l-ai tras cu acul și l-ai ținut într-o pungă de plastic atâția ani.

duminică, 25 iunie 2017

Notite IX

Don't let your mind bully your body. Don't be me.

vineri, 23 iunie 2017

Căldură

De la căldură îți curge apă deasupra gurii, acolo unde se formează mustață.  E aproape insuportabil zilele astea. Când ajung acasă îmi vine să îmi tai părul. Și degetele. Mereu mă gândesc să mai tai ceva din mine. Niciodată nu e suficient. Tot ce arunc se întoarce înapoi. Bretonul. Unghiile. Voma. Lacrimile. Și coșmarurile pe care le arunc la veceu alături de tot restul. Ai crezut că ai lăsat numai resturi în mine. Dar acum ceva nou se formează înapoi acolo unde te vărs în fiecare zi. Și de fiecare dată când îmi permit să mă gândesc umplu toaleta de sânge. Și miroase urât. Tot ce vine de la tine. Tot ce e dedesubt. Tot ce arunc. Tot ce e mizerie. Ești tu. Și nu o să înceteze niciodată să-mi fie scârbă.

Une boite a musique

Corpul meu s-a umflat la loc acolo unde tu l-ai găurit. B. îmi spune că sunt pufoasă. I-am cumpărat o cutie muzicală. Mi-a zis că l-am emoționat. Nu am simțit niciodată nevoia să ofer cuiva cadouri mai mult ca acum. Cum văd ceva frumos mă gândesc îl iau pentru el. Numai ca să văd un zâmbet pentru ceva care știu că și pe mine mă emoționează. Oamenii ca el îmi dau speranță.

marți, 20 iunie 2017

Notite VIII

A slăbit atât de tare încât numai alunițele rămăseseră din ea.

duminică, 18 iunie 2017

Assland

Nimeni nu are să aibă grijă de tine
Nimeni nu are să aibă grijă nici de sine
Darămite pentru tine
I-ar rămâne prea puțin
Iar oamenii din ziua de azi sunt egoiști.

Ai vrea să crezi în povești
În finaluri fericite
Și în cai care pleacă spre rai
Dar primești numai vești de plecare
Spre rai
Dar nu cu tine
Tot pe cai, cu alte femei, aceiași crai
Care, până ieri, credeai că sunt finalul tău fericit.

Nimeni nu are să aibă grijă de tine.
Nimeni nu e finalul tău fericit.
În ce lume trăiești?
Pe tine o să te iubească numai pălărierul nebun, Alice
Asta pentru că el
Nu e de pe lumea asta.

O mie si una de nopti

Mi-e frică să-mi mai fie frică.
Mi-e frică să nu știu unde adorm
Și unde corpul meu se ridică.
Mi-e frică să nu știu dacă țip în vise
Sau în metrouri și în parcuri
Când oamenii care se uită la mine
Sunt reali sau coșmaruri
Mi-e frică să mă trezesc cu degete noi
Și cu dinții plini de sânge
Pentru că le-am mușcat toată noaptea
Și le-am dublat până în zori.
Mi-e frică să nu știu dacă plâng sau râd
Mi-e frică să mă mai ridic de la mese străine
Și să vomit în toalete până luminile se închid
Mi-e frică să nu mai știu dacă e zi sau noapte
Mi-e frică să nu mai știu dacă am adormit acasă
Sau într-o altă casă
Pe o altă bancă
Sau la o altă masă
După ce am băut și m-am făcut moartă.
Mi-e frică să nu mai știu dacă te găsesc când mă aplec
Și nu-mi spui să mă mai las moale
Pentru că o să mă ții până la capăt
Mi-e frică să nu mai știu dacă te găsesc când mă ridic
Pe vârfuri și tu îmi spui să mă mai las moale
Pentru că o să mă ții până la capăt
Până dimineață
Și până la noapte
Și până când nu o să mai știu
Dacă te găsesc când mă ridic
Pentru că ești așa de aproape
De mine
Încât tălpile ni s-au lipit
Acolo unde era rece
Și unde pielea era întreagă
Și aveam degete noi pentru că s-au unit
Cu ale tale
Și nu pentru că le-am mușcat până au plesnit.

Mi-e frică să-mi mai fie frică.
Mi-e frică să nu știu unde adorm
Și unde corpul meu se ridică
Mi-e frică să nu mai știu dacă te găsesc
Dacă atunci când te caut o să-mi spui că sunt
Absurdă pentru că te iubesc
Pentru că mâinile
Și tălpile noastre împreună
Au durat împreună doar paisprezece nopți
Și după aceea au fost doar dimineți în care ai uitat
Că ce ai promis de fapt nu poți
Și fricile mele sunt reale
Și or să mai dureze de acum, fără tine,
Mult mai multe nopți.

joi, 15 iunie 2017

Legamant

A mai existat ceva inainte de noi?
Uneori ma simt ca un amnezic
Nu am decat amintiri despre tine
M-ai dus pe o insula pustie
Si m-ai legat la ochi
Am uitat drumul spre casa
Acum sunt singura
Undeva unde nu mai e acasa
Demult.

Am urme pe piele
Le trasez cu sfintentie
Una langa alta
Ca bolnavii in inchisoare
Care vor sa tina calendar
Dar tu nu te intorci
Nu mai exista timp
Si nici spatiu pe piele
Ca sa te mai numar.

Mana mea e rupta
Acolo unde o strangeai in pumn
Si s-au format gauri intre bucatile de carne
M-ai invatat
Si mi-ai spus
Dupa ce o sa plec
Acestea se vor numi degete.
Iar tu vei fi o singura persoana
Si vei cunoaste un singur nume
Si il vei uita pe al meu
Dar nu te-ai tinut de cuvant.

Elena Helfrecht

Notite VII

Picioarele ma ustura atat de tare
Ma misc ca un batran
Care nu are pe nimeni sa-l astepte acasa.

Trup si suflet

Elena Helfrecht Photo
Sangerez
In fiecare zi
De luni de zile
S-ar zice
Ca pielea mea isi doreste
Un copil in fiecare zi
Inainte isi dorea pe luna
O atingere de la tine
Acum in fiecare zi
Dar e degeaba.
Nu ai lasat niciodata asa ceva in mine
Dar ai lasat paraziti
Si au grija sa vina la mine
Mustele de oameni
Ii atrage mortul de la tine
L-ai plantat acolo
Si l-am inundat
Cat ai fost plecat
Acum pute si se ofileste
Ies flori din mine
Ies gandaci
Corpul meu se imbolnaveste
Si nu vreau sa il tratez.
Nimic nu poate sa-l ajute
Asa cum nici sufletul
Nemernicul
As vrea sa-i las pe amandoi sa moara
Si asa am sa fac
Pe voi amandoi
Si pe mine amandoi
Pana la urma, unii din noi
Or sa moara.

Si pentru prima oara,
sper sa fii tu.

Notite VI

Nu a mai ramas nimeni sa ma ridice
Nimeni sa ma curete
Atunci cand ma stric
Si ma umflu de flori
Ca o cana mucegaita
Din care ai uitat
Sa mai bei.

Notite V

As da orice. Dar tu nu mi-ai da(t) nimic.

Permanent

Elena Helfrecht
Degeaba imi fac cate un tatuaj nou pe saptamana
Si pielea mea e plina de desene.
Lumea se uita la ele
Si crede ca le-a vazut pe toate
Baietii stiu inca si mai multe
Acolo unde strainii cred ca ma cunosc deja
Dar nimeni nu stie ca cele mai adanci sunt sub piele
Nu cred ca mai am un spatiu liber pe undeva
Acolo unde acele tale au ajuns
Si nimic nu a durut mai tare
Decat atunci cand ai apasat
Si ai lovit in fiecare loc ascuns
Cu niste maini care erau murdare
De alte piei straine
Pe care nu ti-a fost rusine
Sa iti pui manusi macar
Si ai plans pentru ele peste mine.
Acum am lacrimi pe sub piele
Care nici macar nu sunt ale mele.

Notite IV

Seara, dupa zilele lungi de vara, pielea mea miroase a supa. Cu morcovi.

luni, 12 iunie 2017

Notițe III

Sufletul meu e imbratisat in salata de vinete.

Notițe II

În drumul spre casă, degetele îmi miroseau a sex și cremă de mâini.

Semilună de dimineață


Trebuia să-ți fac o fotografie în dimineața aceea
Știam eu ce știam
Pentru că nu s-a mai repetat
Să adorm așa la cineva în brațe
Și să uit că nu stăm pe un pat
Ci pe o canapea înghesuită.
Capul tău era strâns în mine
Undeva între brațul care făcea o semilună
Și pieptul îmbrăcat în pijama cu nasturi
Mereu am vrut să am pijamale din astea
Ale mele sunt toate cu desene
Dar ale tale sunt pline de toate corpurile
Fetelor care au fost prin ele.
Ție îți era cald
Dar eu îmi strângeam degetele reci
În tălpile tale
Și tu dormeai cu mâinile amorțite sub pijama
Erau amprente calde acolo
Pe care, dacă le-ai fi ridicat,
Pielea mea ar fi înghețat
La fel și ce era pe dedesubt
Și se topea pe sub saltea
Îți curgea până pe sub arcuri
Și nu era de la lumină
Și nu era părul tău blonduț și moale
Era de la miros.
M-am ținut deoparte de hainele tale
Zilele următoare
Deși îmi atârnau în cuier
Așa cum îți atârnasem și eu pe sub pat
În dimineața aceea
Numai eu pot să leșin cu zilele după miros
Barbă aspră și mâini arse de țigări
Încleștate pe o canapea
Tu credeai că ții salteaua
Și cearșaful
Și pernele să nu cadă
Dar dacă mi-ai fi dat drumul mie
M-aș fi scurs toată sub covor
Și m-aș fi holbat numai sus
La arcurile de la canapea
Și la tavanul albastru.
Ți-am zis cât îmi plăcea camera ta
Tu spuneai că vrei pereții verzi
Și eu m-am bucurat
Dar pereții mei nu ai mai apucat
Niciodată să îi vezi
Și nici eu să-ți învăț constelațiile
Din tavan și din corp pe de rost.
Am lăsat o semilună mușcată pe undeva
Dar dacă nu am mai venit, ai lăsat-o să se șteargă
Și ai chemat, în locul meu, pe altcineva
Să-ți deseneze alta.

Elena Helfrecht
 Trebuia să-ți fac o fotografie în dimineața aceea
Știam eu ce știam
Pentru că nu s-a mai repetat
Să adorm așa la cineva în brațe
Și să uit că nu stăm pe un pat
Ci pe o canapea înghesuită
Într-o cameră cu pereți albaștri
Și sărutări care, așa repede,
Se uită.

Despărțire cu fundal de blues

Când te-am lăsat singur pe bancă și am plecat
Credeam că arăt foarte puternică
Nu o să mă mai vezi niciodată, am zis
Iar tu m-ai urmărit câteva străzi
Dar eu nu te auzeam
Ascultam Tom Waits
Și în mintea mea plângeam.
După câteva minute mi-am dat seama că ai plecat
Pașii tăi greoi nu se mai târau lângă mine
Și nici bricheta colorată
Să-mi aprindă a douăzecia țigară
Pentru că eu am numai chibrituri la mine
Nu mai aveam pe cine să iau în brațe
Și pentru prima oară în săptămâni
M-am așezat lângă lac
Nu mai știam ce să fac cu mâinile.
Acum sunt în fața laptopului
Și știu ce ar trebui să fac
Ca să termin anul
Dar ele nu pot decât să scrie despre tine
Și puțin le pasă dacă termină anul ăsta
Sau următorul.

duminică, 11 iunie 2017

Once upon a time, the bunny and the wolf

This one is for you
My short-term lover
My soft-haired
And big-bodied guy.
You promised
But, then again,
He promised too.
For a little while, though,
I could see a future for myself
Where I was happy.
I wish you could take me back to then
When you held me in your arms
And kissed me with puke in my mouth
After I've spit my heart out in the street
The heart he made sick
But you bandaged for a week.

You promised
But, then again,
He promised too.
You kissed my forehead
And hold me with a hand around my neck
While I slept for the first time
In the house of a wolf
I thought this one would fall for the little bunny
After he'd bitten him all night.
At least I left you with a mark
But I'm not a vampire
And you're not coming back.

You promised
But, then again,
He promised it too.
For a little while, though,
I though I could see a future for myself
Where I was happy.

I wish I could say I loved you
But you made me promise
I would never do
And I'm a girl of word
Unlike the two of you.

Faceless

Each time I look in the mirror
I say to myself:
"This is your pretty face
This is the face of the body of a girl
That belongs to you"
And it will always be that way
That laugh
The way the eyes get smaller
And the nose squeezes
In a funny face
It is all for you
And from you
From the way you used to look at me
My mirror
My very own human being
In which I reflected myself.
And the ways I touch and look at other people
Is just my way of coming back to you
It will always come back to you
Everyone else is just a stranger
Looking through a window at us.

And I know you feel it too,
A dead man,
It's you that should be pitied the most.
Two faces of a mirror can live without each other
But they will always be sick
Repeating a poem that will never be complete
With verses of other women
That'll never fit.

The doll you forgot to put a name to

He used to grab and rub her fingers
As if they were made of rubber
Fingers of a doll
They have to obey
They have to remain still
Otherwise the bigger hand
The upper hand
Will come and break them
After all
She shouldn't mind
She's just a doll.

marți, 6 iunie 2017

Notițe

Chiuveta e înfundată cu ceai și cafea
Tot ce spăl mai departe se depune peste
Uneori dă pe afară
Dar nu mă opresc
Și nu curăț
Tot fac ceai și cafea
Și aștept lângă chiuvetă să se desfunde și să bea.

Laptele
Cafeaua
Mai puțin apa de la ceai
Totul dă în foc.
Mă uit pe fereastră
Și țigara se uită de pe pervaz
Nu mai știu ce muzică ascult
Știu doar că muzica nu se mai ascultă
Zilele astea
Se bea ca ceaiul
Și mă ține trează mai mult
Decât cafeaua
Dar durează mult cât se pune la fiert
Și îmi înfundă țevile pe urmă.

Cât am stat să aștept
Sângele meu s-a întărit.
Nu mai pot să trag dopul ca înainte
Tot ce spăl mai departe se depune peste
Uneori dă pe afară
Dar nu mă opresc
Și nu curăț
Tot fac ceai și cafea
Și aștept lângă chiuvetă să se desfunde și să bea.

luni, 5 iunie 2017

Transfusion

Lies spoken with words
Cannot disguise facts written in blood.
(Not even by your lovely voice
That voice that has betrayed me
Just like everything else. )

Your flesh has betrayed me
Your blood has betrayed me.
The blood you said imprinted on me
The first time we made love
Is the same blood we shared
For so many years
Yet you chose to take that blood
And give from it
To somebody else.
You marked my skin with her touch
And her breath, and her scent
Her blood
Lives inside of me now.

I couldn't hate you more for what you did
If you hadn't come back afterwards
And shared your love with me
Yours and hers
Living in my skin
Like a memory I never had
Your memory
Your dream of love
My nightmare.

Your betrayal is somehow my betrayal
We have both touched the same person
With or without your willing
It was both of us
Making love to her that night
My body felt it too
For it was my blood you shared
Without me asking.

Lies spoken
Written in sounds
Written in blood
Made a cruel joke out of our love
That sticks inside of me like a disease,
A blood disease
Marked with your touch.
No matter how many clothes I wear
I cannot hide my body anymore.
And no matter how much time will pass
After I've forgotten you and her
My blood will suffer
And die from that disease
Forever.

sâmbătă, 20 mai 2017

A little death

My heart died twice
In empty beds
Still with your shape
In the sheets and in my body.
My heart died twice
Hearing your voice in the distance
As you were leaving
First with anger and second with a lie
I suppose I should've learned my lesson
After you pushed me away so easily
That first day
When I couldn't open up to you
I should've known this is a pattern
And I shall see it the day you leave
That final day
When, after I've opened to you completely
You were already whispering to another in the morning
Waiting to cut in another body.
You poor cruel wolf!
You cold creature.

My heart died twice
In empty sheets
In empty rooms
By your hand.
You first killed my body
And then my love.
You see, what he did to me
Was nothing compared to you
But he layed open
Another piece of me still streaming with love
A piece you never reached
A piece he did when he hold me in his arms that night
And mercilessly killed
Just like you
One of a kind people
He killed my skinny, bare heart too
In such a short time
At least you had the heart
To let me live for a while.
My heart died twice
In empty rooms
Followed by your voice
Naked in your absence
He, one day, found my bare skin
And thought
It would be nice
To taste from it for a week or so
And then leave it there
Open, bleeding
Still hurting
After your leaving.

My heart died twice
What he did to me was nothing.
I'm still dying alone
After your leaving
I cry and gather pieces
That are still loving for you
Loving,
But never forgiving.

miercuri, 17 mai 2017

The wet blanket is now dry. Here's why

I cut you off
Don't!
I don't want you to speak
You had your time
And this time around it is me
Who will do the talk.
You were always complaining anyhow
About my quiet ways
My crying days
I suppose I knew it would come to this
Everytime you would say not to worry
Or when you apologized:
Meaningless words I never believed
A lot more dishonest compared to my silence
The silence you always despised
And thought to be weak
Has now cut you off
Still snakes wait and wait
But when they bite
They swallow you up completely.
Isn't that what you wanted me to do?
Here you go, sweety.

Isn't it amazing
How I blew you away?
You could never come back now
You are empty of it anyway
And even if you wanted to
I'm not wet for you anymore.

The long goodbye

I thought that putting you in a cage
Would make you stop kicking me
Or kicking around
Making me aware of your struggle
I didn't want to see.
I thought I would stop hating you
Stop hating myself
If I put you somewhere away
In the dark where I wouldn't hear you
Where you couldn't scream or move
Because you knew no one could hear you
Or release you
But me.

I promised I would do that tonight
But now I think I will do it tomorrow
Or the day after that
When I will stop remembering you
Every two seconds
And not care anymore.
The day I will release you
I want you to be fine
I want you to stop looking me in the eye
I want you to turn your back at me
Don't love me anymore
Stay in the corner and mind your business
And forget we were ever friends
Now we are just roommates
Me and my pain
That will never touch each other again
Because if they do
One of them will have to die
And I won't think twice and wonder why
Because the answers were long given
Before our final goodbye.