joi, 14 decembrie 2017

The duelists

On our sixth month anniversary you came home and you said
"Chicken, I bought us matching swords
From now on, when we hurt each other,
We'll both have similar injuries
Cuts of the same depth
And sharpness
Blood mixing together, dirty on the blades
And we'll never wash them
The traces will be left there
For all eternity, so we can remember
Where it started."
One day I decided my sword fit better in the drawer
Than in your heart, so I put it away
When you came for our duels I just said I'd forgotten it
And you cut me all the same
With your own
I couldn't even defend myself
And one day you forgot you're not on a hunt for trophies
And stuck your sword so deep I forgot how to breathe
You got scared and you ran away, you didn't even take your blade
So I kept it inside, out of fear I will die
And the body healed, with the sword inside
It grew scars around a long stick that didn't even look like a knife anymore
But that grew out of me, keeping all the people aside.

luni, 11 decembrie 2017

To the memory of you

One night I had a dream
I remembered how you used to lift me up in the air
and rotate me on the streets
I remembered how you would throw yourself in the freezing-cold snow
and have people staring at you
because you had no fear
and you taught me that
you said "ever since you've been with me, you've started to see yourself"
maybe you were my mirror
and maybe I didn't want to look at myself
in a room without you.

But I had to remember how to spin time again
Get out of the house, even with my eyes closed
if the people and the light were too much for me to see
and walk, just walk
for miles and miles
and slowly try to elongate, to feel how my body starts to feel like a body again
out in the world
and how it is the same size as other people's
when I burst into them on the sidewalks
and how, somehow, I'm not alone
and not strange
and not a different species
that crawls, and doesn't know how to walk naturally
tall and straight among other people.
It's true I don't  have love
and it's true I still don't talk much
or move too many miles on feet, but that's why there are subways
and buses
for people like me.
That's me
a person not so much like a person
that crawls out of the bed, sheds her worm squishy skin
pretends to be a human in the daylight
and sometimes remembers how it felt to be looked at
in the mirror of you
again.
I keep you in my heart
you make me feel like a person
even though you're long gone, and the snow is still late this year
I will make an angel when it finally shows up
to the memory of you.

sâmbătă, 9 decembrie 2017

Pentru mine

E întuneric beznă când ies din baie. Toată lumea doarme și am uitat muzica la maxim, dar nimeni nu s-a trezit pentru că e jazz. Pisica mă așteaptă cuminte pe pătură. Mereu ridică ochii mari când mă vede. Cana cu ceai de lângă pat e răsturnată, probabil de pisică. Capul meu e rece de la șamponul cu mentă care încă fâsâie sub scalp. Îl aud pentru că sunt obosită. Miros a gumă de mestecat. Pe gelul de duș scrie marshmallow și îmi amintește de Timișoara. E moale. Capotul nu mai e așa de moale pentru că l-am băgat la 30 de grade. E albastru. E culoarea mea preferată. Am beculețele aprinse pe perete. Nu pentru Crăciun. Pentru mine.

vineri, 8 decembrie 2017

Mirror, mirror on the wall

It's like you existed in me long before I met you
You came and stopped my time for a few years that seemed like seconds
And now I am growing old again, waiting
Time is only an infinite amount of waiting
:when will I see you again, are you ever coming back
Will I just touch you again when I will come to your dead body
Only then will you let me see you
See your face again, lifeless
Only then will time stop again
And take me in the ground with you
For as long as you live I carry a knife inside my chest
Everywhere
I can't breathe, but as long as you exist
I can't pull it out and die;
I'm hanging from the ceiling, held by sharp threads
Like a wooden doll
I feel the stings everywhere
Your moves remembered
And repeating in me, taking me along
As you move on.

Have you ever tried to understand, have you heard
All my words lost in the echo
Of an empty building
That has your face painted on the walls
I can still see the bones in your arm so clear if I close my eyes
I can feel their hold on my arm, and the way our fingers intercept
The short grips by which we communicate
When we are in public, like a Morse code in the war
I can feel the bones
I can feel my grips
They are typing in thin air
I can feel
Everything
If I close my eyes
But nothing types back
My soldier is dead.

This is a letter going to nowhere, on an endless sea
I can only pray some storm can cross the distance in your eyes
For my gentle rhythm will never reach you,
It's long since you left, and I've grown tired
I can't run the streets anymore to catch you as I used to
I can't hear your voice at night and I can't grab your hoodie to my face
I can't hide under your chin on the bus, I can't feel your comforting smell in my mouth
I can't get to your house and climb up the stairs.
For I am scared
There is a corpse floating in that room
And your ghost is long gone
Clothing a shape I can but remember
While its body was on a train
Taking you far, far away.

Where are you?
Why did you take that train?
Why did you tell me to wait for you?
Why did you make me promise never to forget?
Until when
Will I shout for you, will I decompose
I'm crying my heart out every night
Trying to get you out of my system
But all the food, all the blood I puke can't contain you
It's too much of you in me
It is too much from it, everywhere
I can't look in the mirror
For I see you
It is you reflected again, and the words you used to put
To every face I used to make
And you have seen them all
You have seen all of me.
I was a bare soul in front of you
And you didn't like what you see
I make you sick
And for that I can't even look back at myself
For the words you put now to my faces
Are of pity and disgust.
I try to clean it off everyday, I try to be better
But I will never be better
Than I was with you.

miercuri, 6 decembrie 2017

Notite XXXV

La strada Popa Nan am sezut si-am plans. Acum sase luni pe o banca. Paulo Coelho ar fi mandru de mine.

Notite XXXIV

Am un gust amar. Sa nu incerci niciodata sa ma gusti.

duminică, 3 decembrie 2017

The happiness monster

I think we all do that, don't we? Stick around, waiting for someone to come and get us rid of our loneliness. Our miserable, infinite loneliness. We feed ourselves with short glimpses of happiness. We live in our heads. We get high with people. We grow sick with people. We try to heal, but there is no medicine. The doctor says it's gonna last only a few months. It's a seasonal illness. We heal with time. He gives me little pills filled with time and says: "Take a while, and you'll be better". I take that while. I am not better.
I am sick with memories. I live in the past. Sometimes I imagine myself things and live in the future. I get high on past and future. I get high on time. I am sick with time. The present gives me nothing. Only a place to think. The present sticks with you, still, like a disease, like a cough that you can't get rid of, no matter how much you spit. So you swallow and you try not to move. Maybe, like this, it will go away. But it never goes away. It never goes away.
I try to forget in my sleep. I try to imagine in my present. I am a master at deceiving myself. I am a happiness master. I take it in like air, I am greedy, I am insatiable. Afterwards, I puke it all out. My face and hands are dirty from the lies I take. I never believe. But I always take. Until I can't take it anymore, and I am full of it, up to my neck, and my body can only explode from so much happiness, from so many lies. From so much time. Made-up time stuck inside of me. But it never fixes itself there. It comes out all the time. All the same, I am stubborn. In the morning I make myself even more. And maybe, someday, maybe this day, it will stay. My happiness. It will stay.

sâmbătă, 2 decembrie 2017

Notite XXXIII

Conversație între mine și o prietenă.
- Când o să mor, o să îmi dau organele spre donație.
- Bine că nu se poate dona și creierul. În creierul tău e liniște. Și numele lui.

vineri, 1 decembrie 2017

Notite XXXII

Cred că sfârșitul lumii trebuie să miroasă a dovleac copt.

Notite XXXI

Am goluri în stomac pe care nu pot să le mai acopăr cu mâncare.

marți, 28 noiembrie 2017

Ca becurile de led

Obișnuiai să spui că oamenii sunt înlocuibili.
"Eu te-am înlocuit, tu de ce nu o faci?".
M-am tot gândit. Fraza asta mi s-a derulat în cap și nu am înțeles ce suna greșit. Și atunci am înțeles. Dintre toate lucrurile pe care mi le-ai spus, acesta a fost singurul care nu era o minciună. Nu, nu a fost o minciună. Tu chiar credeai asta.
Nu a fost o minciună. A fost o prostie. Oamenii sunt neînlocuibili. Fiecare zi. Fiecare chip. Nu o să îl mai poți găsi. Cum ți-ai întors privirea, a murit. Și nu o să îl poți uita.
Și, dacă asta sperai, să mă înlocuiești. Nu ai să reușești. Nu ai să mă găsești. Nici măcar acum. Eu care era cu tine acum atâta timp era neînlocuibilă. Și nu ai iubit-o cât să nu vrei să o înlocuiești. Dar tu ai zis asta. Iar ea a simțit cum a murit. Ai fost suficient de prost să crezi că are termen de expirare. Iar atunci când se strică, o înlocuiești. Așa se face, ai zis. Dacă erai nouă, te luam din nou. De la început.
Eu nu am să te înlocuiesc. Nu vreau și nici nu pot. Mă întorc în mine de fiecare dată când vreau să îmi amintesc. Apoi mă trezesc și îmi amintesc că încă trăiesc. Într-o lume în care oamenii cred că dragostea nu e nimic și sufletele se înlocuiesc. Ca becurile de led.
E întuneric la mine în cameră. Și nu vreau să aprind lumina.

miercuri, 22 noiembrie 2017

Notite XXX

Image: Sara Lorusso
Nu am simțit niciodată o minciună mai mare decât momentul imediat după orgasm. Niciun moment nu e mai singur. Nicio fericire mai falsă. Nicio iluzie mai amară. Și cu termen mai scurt de expirare. Orgasmul are gust de stricat la imediat câteva secunde de la deschidere.
Corpul meu se strică. De plâns.

joi, 16 noiembrie 2017

Who, except you?

Why does it always look so easy for others to have friends, to belong
How come you were the only person in the world that made it feel easy
For me too.

And now it's difficult again, I've been forgetting things
Smiles, laughter, two words
I've been forgetting how it feels like
To be safe, to be at home.

Home is in your arms, but you locked me out.
The people near your door said nobody lived there at all
It was all a fantasy, I dug a hole into a wall and pretended
I was Alice, or a little mouse, living in a house with you,
Away from all the grown-ups.

Now that I've grown too big to believe, I have to go back
My shrinking bottles are gone,
And the whole world is in danger if I don't get out
Because I'm about to outgrow my walls, and my lonely house
Is gonna fall.

But I am afraid of the other world for which I am too small
And I've been away for so long
While I stood inside with you and didn't get visits from nobody;
Who could have knocked at a little hole in the wall 
And even see me at all?
Except for you.

sâmbătă, 11 noiembrie 2017

Înainte de tine, am fost eu II

Dintre toți oamenii, tata niciodată nu îmbătrânește. Arată la fel cum arăta atunci când aveam trei ani și fugeam de el să nu îmi facă poze în Turcia, arată la fel cum arăta atunci când aveam patru ani și mă ducea de mână să o vedem pe mama însărcinată la spital, arată la fel cum arăta atunci când aveam șase ani iar el încă ne mai căra în spinare pe mine și sora mea prin casă, arată la fel cum arăta atunci când aveam șapte ani și mă uitam cu orele cum se joacă la calculator fără să înțeleg ce își vorbesc personajele. Arată la fel cum arăta atunci când aveam opt ani și dormeam împreună pe burtă cu perna în brațe atunci când nu reușeam să adorm singură, arată la fel cum arăta atunci când aveam nouă ani și ne-a strâns în sufragerie să ne întrebe pe cine iubim cel mai mult din lume. Arăta la fel cum arată acum când stă pe fotoliul din sufragerie ca și cum nu ar fi al lui, arată la fel cum arăta atunci când a plecat de acasă pentru că a hotărât pe cine iubea el cel mai mult din lume.
Dintre toți oamenii, tata niciodată nu îmbătrânește. Stă pe fotoliul din sufragerie și arată la fel cum arăta atunci când i-am spus că eu îl iubesc cel mai mult din lume.

Înainte de tine, am fost eu I

Când eram mică, bunicii mă puneau pe un grătar de lemn după ce mă spălau, mă ștergeau în baia aburită, mă înfășurau într-un prosop și mă luau în brațe lângă sobă unde îmi spuneau povești și îmi dădeau felii de pâine cu pate. Adormeam mereu împreună, chiar și când s-a născut sora mea și eu m-am mutat pe recamier. Bunica mesteca bomboane mentolate înainte de culcare și asculta radio-ul, jaluzelele formau umbre lungi pe tavan, iar mașinile care treceau pe strada treceau și pe varul de pe pereți, de la un capăt la celălalt. Câinele lătra la oamenii de pe stradă, greierii sâsâiau, pijamalele erau tari și proaspăt spălate, părul meu era mereu scurt și negru, mă uitam mereu în oglinda lungă de la baia care nu se închidea și făceam fețe. Mă loveam mereu la genunchi, mă dădeam în leagăn până atingeam sârma cu capul și prindeam puii de găină adolescenți să îi mângăi cu fața în sus și să-i văd cum tremură cu ochii peste cap ca și cum se excită. Îl ascultam pe bunicul cum improviza povești dup-amiaza după titlurile pe care le-am auzit și noi la televizor, ne uitam numai la Cartoon Network o oră pe zi pe canapea, ne uitam la telenovele două ore pe zi după canapea. Ne puneam pătura și ne jucam cu păpușile în curte până se făcea noapte, ne uitam la stele cu picioarele întinse până ne chemau la culcare. Ne cățăram pe casă să strigăm la geam când rămâneam pe afară, aprindeam luminile în curte când veneau musafiri și închideam ferestrele la etaj ca să nu intre țânțarii. Ne îmbrăcam frumos, ne ascundeam după uși. Ne era frică de toți.

Séance

Once I gave you a present with a note that said "you won't let go, i won't let go"
And you didn't. You've always come to me, even as a dream, in my head
I remember conversations we never had
I see you in places we've never been to
I remember you in hands that don't resemble yours, but that I hold just the same
I lean towards your shoulder in cinema seats,
But I always stop in the middle when I remember where you are
And where I am.
I always stop in the middle.
Words like "I love you" never unglued from my lips again
It's like they're stuck there, just like your mark:
Three identical moles on our left arms.
And people catch me groping in the dark
When I become afraid
And ask them to look at me when I'm in their bed
Because I sometimes fear it is you I feel then
And her name you call in my skin
Again.

I always stop in the middle.

No other someone is here
It is only two people, not four
That is what I tell myself every time
But it is always four hands in my mind
Scratching my body
Violently, for a grip of another's scent;
There are always three people making love
And I'm the unnecessary fourth
A replacement
No one loves
But uses to call back a ghost
And serves my body like an Ouija board.

luni, 6 noiembrie 2017

Oameni la cinema

Dacă auzi vreodata pe cineva dezlipindu-și lacom pielițele de lângă unghii, eu sunt aceea. Asta și îmbrățișatul fularului, genții, jachetei sau orice iau după mine. Uneori îmi iau Fornetti cu brânză și ascund în geantă. Am grijă să îmi scot mereu sutienul în geantă la baie ca să stau comfortabil. Îmi iau mereu un hanorac după mine vara și mă înfășor ca în pat. Îmi place să-mi las bărbia pe scaunul din față când nu e lume.
Dar alți oameni se lasă pe spate
Râd
Se uită pe telefon
Mănâncă nachos
Își sărută iubita
Adorm pe sub ochelarii 3D
Sforăie
Privesc picior peste picior
Se așează în ultimul rând
Sau în primul
Se uită în spate
La alți oameni
Uitându-se în față
La film.
Tu ce faci la cinema?
Atunci când te luam cu mine oftai
Nu-mi place aici, îmi spuneai
M-ai târât
Și mă folosești pe post de pernă
Când te sperii
Când plângi
Când râzi
Pentru că am un hanorac moale.
Acum oamenii nu mai poartă hanorace la cinema.
Dar când merg vreodată cu cineva și poartă,
Sau se așază cu bărbia pe scaunul din față lângă mine
Ca două capete fără corp pe rândul de jos
Clipind în lumina albă
Aș vrea să sărut capul ăla
Dar uit mereu
Că nu mai e ca pe vremuri
Și nu poți să săruți toți oamenii cu hanorace pufoase
Care se duc la cinema.

joi, 2 noiembrie 2017

Notite XXIX

Creierele noastre secretă fericire așa cum scoarța de copac secretă polei
Creierele noastre secretă tristețe așa cum scoarța de copac se simte când e acoperită de var.

Notite XXVIII

Obiectivele se scurg în noi.

Notite XXVII

Gustul de țigări cu ceai are aromă de alune, portocale și salată de vinete și îmi place să-l ating cu limba pe cerul gurii din când în când.

Lavender tea and cigarettes

Drinking lavender tea and smoking cigarettes for breakfast
Is the best definition for how I've been living the past year
In an attempt to calm and hurt myself
At the same time.
Thinking daily about pointing needles through my skin
Making a new tattoo
And avoiding the doctor out of fear of needles.
Thinking about how I need a hug before going to sleep
But rejecting every person that tries to touch me
Thinking about how I want a new lover
But avoiding anyone new.
Taking acting classes to decrease my social anxiety
But staying alone in the house for days.
I hate horror movies
And only write horror stories when I have assignments for school
I want to become a director someday
But scroll over that script contest I liked some days ago on Facebook
And keeps showing in my news feed.
Hating my exes, but writing messages to them every few months
To check up when what I really want is to break a hole through their skulls.
Hating myself, but doing yoga every night trying to grow that self-love.
Wondering how it would be like if I would write to that teacher in high school
That saw me when I was invisible
While, at the same time, I give myself one half hour per day to wonder what that bully at college
Said about me today.
Listening to stress-relief music while pulling out the skin around my fingers
Hating the sight of blood while I suck those empty spots around my nails
And think about how blood tastes like rust.
Thinking about how much I love life when I eat spiced Chinese rice I know to cook best
And how much I don't like life when I grow bored of food and can't eat anything for days.
Thinking about how I won't surround myself with negative people anymore
And give new excuses to the guy that said I had autism a week ago
And unblock him, and accept an apology
When in fact I wanted to say "fuck you".
Saying "maybe" everytime when what I meant was "no".
Apologizing everyday when I'm not asked to.
Ecstatically thinking about the future far away from here with my new family
And thinking about how the kids with my ex would have looked like
Or how his blonde hair will look like with grey in it.
Having an orgasm and crying the moment after it ends.
Looking at old photos with a smile and then finding out a familiar face I didn't want to see
With a tear.
Wanting the past back while not wanting it with every fiber of my body.
Trying to kill myself with pills and calling the ambulance one hour later.
Going to college everyday, happy that I have a purpose
And getting panic attacks a moment after about how I'm gonna turn homeless.
Thinking about how I miss my grandparents and going to visit them
When we have no subjects to talk about.
Every day I want to get out of bed
Only because I want that daily nightmare to stop, but another one starts
In the morning.

luni, 30 octombrie 2017

4:08 AM

Îmi doresc pur și simplu să nu mai respir. Vreau să cad jos și să nu mai respir.
Îmi doresc să nu mai gândesc. Nimic, absolut nimic, vreau să mă lovesc cu capul de ceva și să nu mai pot să procesez. Nicio informație, de orice fel, vreau să fiu debilă, vreau să fiu proastă, retardată, o handicapată, vreau să nu fiu capabilă să mai diferențiez un lemn de o bucată de cuțit și să cad pe el când intru în bucătărie. Vreau să urlu, vreau să mă zbat ca un animal. Vreau să îmi curgă mâncarea din gură ca la copii, să privesc în gol ca pescărușii tâmpi, vreau să stau ca o frunză și să aștept să mă plesnească vântul și să nu sper să trăiesc până la primăvară, vreau să fiu un organism mic departe. Vreau să mă calce cineva și să nu mă măture, vreau să mă lase acolo, nu vreau să fiu îngropată, vreau să fiu lăsată, vreau să fiu zdrobită, vreau să calce lumea peste mine pe o potecă. La infinit. Vreau să fie întuneric. Vreau să fie zgomot. Dar nu vreau să fiu singură. Și vreau să fiu mică. Să nu ajung la oameni. Ca în desenele animate. Vreau să uit cum le arată fețele. Vreau să stau într-o cușcă în frig și să latre câinele la mine. Vreau să-mi înghețe oasele. Vreau să le tocească apoi și să le facă var pentru case. Vreau să nu am nimic de zis. Vreau să mor. Și nu am nimic de zis.

joi, 26 octombrie 2017

Dragostea ca o forma de relief

Ce se întâmplă cu o formă de relief
Când a fost cândva o câmpie înverzită
Apoi a devenit un deal mai chel
Care s-a inundat
Și a udat și a udat cu lunile vegetația toată
Până s-a înmuiat, s-a transformat în clei
Și s-a diluat
Apoi nu a mai avut ce să curgă, și totul s-a evaporat?
Rămâne o stepă ștearsă
Sau un mal umed în care te cufunzi imediat
Așa că ți-e frică să mai treci pe-acolo,
Îl eviți și stai la intrare derutat?
Cresc puieți noi, trăiește într-un anotimp de patru luni
Sau vremea se schimbă de două ori pe an?
Cum bate soarele acum
În râul care a secat
Și nu mai vrea nicicum să se așeze
Pentru că nu-i mai pasă
Iar formele de relief posibile
S-au epuizat?

Oranges and hoarse voices that can't bark

For the first time in years I feel careless
I light my orange candle from Di
Listen to Tom Waits
Light a cigarette
And the cold air from the window
And hoarse voice on the background
Remembers me of a time
In years
I will feel careless
Again
Next to an old man holding my hand
Next to a Christmas tree
With oranges at our feet
And old movies on the TV.
How can you remember the future
At a window on an autumn night
Just by listening to an old song
And smelling a scented candle
From the lady of a man
That broke your heart?
I'll tell you how
You must be named by me
And fallen so far apart
You no longer differentiate people
From magic and dust
There's no goodness, no guilt
Only dogs and lust
I was never able to bark
Now I can finally close my mouth
Stop trying and rest at last.

miercuri, 25 octombrie 2017

Ultimul etaj, langa floare

Mi-e rău.
Mă-ntorc acasă pe străzi cunoscute
Intru în holul de la intrare
Unde mi-ai făcut poza aia mișto cu becul iarna
Iau liftul unde m-ai îmbrățișat ultima dată
Și am zis că ar trebui să facem asta mai des;
Liftul în care coborai chiuind de la mine
În fiecare seară la ora unșpe să prinzi metroul.
Iau liftul ăla
Până la ultimul etaj și mă urc lângă floare
Floarea pe care o știi prea bine
În colțul neluminat
Unde ne ascundeam de bătrâni
Și mă lipeai de pereții plini de var galben
Și mă conduceai până în fața ușii apoi
Și mă conduceai.
Și mă așteptai pe scări atunci când întârziam
În hanoracul albastru
Pe care ți l-am luat de Crăciunul trecut
De fiecare dată când văd culoarea aia în metrou mă întorc
Cu capul și tresar
De fiecare dată deschid liftul cu ochii închiși
Sper că o să te văd acolo
Când becul face clic
Dar scările sunt goale;
Floarea e la fel, dar au schimbat geamul de lângă ea
Și-au pus termopane;
De fiecare dată când trimit pe cineva acasă
Îl văd cum coboară cu liftul și ascult înainte să închid ușa
Dar nu mai chiuie nimeni în blocul cu ecou
Iar eu te-am mai uitat încă puțin
Din nou.

luni, 23 octombrie 2017

Notite XXVI

Dacă vrei să vezi ce mai fac, nu este nevoie decât să te uiți la vreme.

Zâna Măseluță

Zâna mea Măseluță este un alt fel de zână
În fiecare noapte pun o zi nouă, fericită, sub pernă
Și, când mă trezesc, găsesc una urâtă, veche,
Iar cea frumoasă a dispărut.
Dacă în coșmarurile mele am zile noi
Ele sunt în trecut, iar asta le face vechi
Trăiesc în două timpuri: o dată cu mine, o dată fără mine;
O dată cu tine, o dată fără tine.
Cândva era un timp când trăiam împreună
Și nu era nevoie să adorm
Ca să te mai țin de mână.
Când scriu asta plâng, ceea ce face această zi
Să nu fie una bună.

vineri, 20 octombrie 2017

Notite XXV

Astăzi am împușcat o stea și o pasăre pe cer.

Notite XXIV

Florile mele fac pipi
Și apoi îl trag înapoi.

joi, 19 octombrie 2017

Parfum

Plămânii mei sunt plini de cireșe
Îmi aduc aminte de rochia pe care o purtai azi
Și de culoarea părului tău
Pe care dacă l-aș infuza pe foc
Ar avea exact același gust.
Îmi doresc să te păstrez într-un loc
Unde mirosul tău nu o să îmbătrânească
Iar dâmbul de sub buză nu o să se niveleze niciodată
Pentru că deasupra lui cade o stea în fiecare noapte
Și îți taie fața în două
Acolo pe unde numai eu te pot auzi.
Am avut atâtea culori în oraș astăzi
Și în parcul de lângă casă
Dar din pieptul tău a răsărit cea mai puternică floare
Înrădăcinată bine în pământ
Cu două picioare goale
Îmbrăcate în piele și ciorap fin.

miercuri, 18 octombrie 2017

Notite XXIII

Te porți urât cu mine; nu mă mai distruge
Atunci când e târziu
Și alunec pe scări de metrou
Pentru că lumina nu a putut să mă țină întreagă
O zi până întunericul a căzut.
Acum, că noaptea a devenit mai lungă,
O să-mi fie frig
Și, răcit, cadavrul meu
Mă va aduce înapoi la tine.

Fantomă

Uneori mă simt de parcă aș fi suspendată
Memoria mea e o lună, iar eu stau agățată în cer 
Ca și cum aș fi un pește
Iar colțul ei o undiță
Aș vrea să o tai, dar nu se poate,
Așa cum zeițele lui Hades
Nu au reușit să-l ucidă pe Hercules
Pentru că era nemuritor
Amintirile nu se pot dezlega de luna mea
Și trăiesc în întuneric.
Când se face dimineață merg printre oameni
Pe străzi, în clădiri cunoscute, în săli de cinema
Și mă aplec spre ei ca și cum aș vrea să apuc o piele cunoscută
Și mă rezem și apuc o mână care nu e a ta
Deși mâna aceea nu se va întoarce niciodată la mine
Eu o caut peste tot
Și pot să-mi amintesc forma ei dacă închid ochii
Și culoarea, și oasele care o țin legată de corp
De aceea încerc să dorm cât mai puțin.
Cândva am spus că nu pot trăi fără tine
Și este adevărat:
Nu mai ești aici, dar eu trăiesc cu tine.
Dacă aș putea desena lumea mea în timp ce dorm
Ai vedea că realitatea mea e înghețată
Într-un timp numai cu tine
Înainte să te urăsc, iar tu să mă dezamăgești
Pentru că o amintire e încă vie
Și nu ai putut să o distrugi cu ce a urmat.
Toate mâinile se întorc spre mine
Și văd linii pe care nu le cunosc
Și resping trupuri pe care nu le doresc
În săli de cinema
Când mă aplec spre tine.

Am urât tot ce a urmat
Și am plâns când nu te-am găsit
Atunci când zorii au luminat o jumătate de pat
Care nu ar mai fi trebuit să fie acolo
După ce tu ai plecat.
Noaptea mă întind pe cealaltă parte
Și mă lovesc de obstacole nevăzute
Și vorbesc în somn, și mă trezesc țipând
De atâtea ori încât am uitat ce sunet are numele meu
Când nu e pronunțat de tine.
Ce ne facem când lumina albă șterge
Tot ceea ce noaptea a hașurat?
Îi mulțumesc soarelui
Că mă desprinde de lună
Și pot să merg pentru câteva ore
Ca un adevărat pește pe uscat.

Despre morți numai de bine

{2o13} from the my world is not empty without you series
(35mm, lith print, paint)
E ceva sub mine
Ce am îngropat de viu
Și am plecat de lângă groapă înainte să se trezească.
Atunci când au turnat pământul,
Corpul dinăuntru era sedat.
Sub anestezic nu a simțit nimic,
Dar atunci când timpul a trecut parcă l-am auzit cum a urlat
Și a bătut în coșciug disperat
Să-i dau drumul afară, a crezut că l-am trădat.
Au trecut lacrimi cu lunile, ca și cum ar fi trecut anotimpuri
Și corpul a devenit tot mai uscat;
Cineva vine și îmi arată noaptea cum încă nu e mort, deși l-am îngropat
Și îl caut în întuneric tot timpul
Toată luna, pentru că atunci când vine soarele mă prefac că l-am uitat.
Am obosit să-mi păcălesc corpul să se ridice dimineața
Ca și cum tu nu ai fi existat.

Rău de mare

Să mă îndrăgostesc e ca și cum aș avea rău de mare
Ceva urlă în mine
Și barca se cutremură
Luntrașii se apleacă peste bord
Și corpurile lor se strâng deasupra apei
Ar vrea să scoată totul afară
Dar e prea mult ce s-a adunat.
Și ne înecăm încet
În timp ce ne ascundem cu mâinile goale
Lăsate încă cu palmele în sus
În speranța că furtuna
Ne va da niște soare.

sâmbătă, 7 octombrie 2017

Notite XXII

Prognoza meteo: afară plânge.

vineri, 6 octombrie 2017

Notite XXI

Pour some alcohol over me
And give me a little love
Some mashed up dreams
Then watch me catch fire.

joi, 5 octombrie 2017

sometimes the moon

Sometimes the moon
with her big empty eyes
makes dots 
looking at the sun
and she can't see straight.
Those nights are most dangerous
for there are blind eyes watching upon us
and criminals are at ease
on the streets of the earth.
I wish I hadn't met you
on a night like this
when the moon falls in love
with the sun.

Question

Where are you going?
In your body. And I'm never coming back.

luni, 2 octombrie 2017

Notite XX

We become tired of hearing people lie.
And after a while we become dead.

Notite XIX

Se vede că îmbătrânesc
Încep să uit
Tabla adunarii
Doi minus unu face unu
Sau zero?

Out the rabbit hole

When you realize it has all been a lie
You have to get the flowers out with roots and everything
Like tubes planted into your face, coming out of your nose
Bleeding at the hands of those who have chained you to a bed
Took away the truth and gave you a fairy tale instead.
I don't want to be set to sleep while there is still daylight
I don't need to be shown a picture of the world outside
I can see it for myself
And I can tell
You're nothing but a clown
You're nothing but clowns, I've been collecting toys
Nightmarish little toys
Hid them under my bed and let them visit me at night
Let them rape me and didn't put up a fight
And I've forgotten the ways in which a little lie
A kiss you draw onto my mouth in a January night
Can turn into a knife.
And I have wielded it myself
I let that lie come to life
And cut myself into my sleep
Countless times, passionately
The words the blade were whispering to the wound
I took them for "I love you".
But now there is no more flesh to cut
That lullaby has to stop.
Do I look like a child? Don't set me to sleep.
Do I look like a mouse? Go on and set me free.
Do I look like a story? Then don't put an ending to me.

sâmbătă, 23 septembrie 2017

People I knew

The day the man I knew left
Was the day the girl that he knew left.
They both left me
And now I am alone with someone I don't know
But I've grown to know for some while now
Just like I knew them too.
Those two children
Too in love to ever grow old
Two children that stopped the world
And got out alone into the light.
Now the girl you knew is no more
In a few moments
She grew ten years older
And the child
Her laugh, her faith
And her light too
Gone forever as well
Swallowed in another train
That you sent her to take alone
That night that you cheated on her.
You could never turn back time even if you wanted to
I never took that train with her
I just stood there and watched her leave
And knew I was going to miss her terribly
Just like you will too
But it will be too late
You're starting to grow old
Just like she is
And the two children that I once knew
Will never recognize each other again.

miercuri, 20 septembrie 2017

Claw-winged creature

We invented a new sort of talking;
I don't know how we should call it
It was something mixed between a bird and a cat,
A claw-winged creature:
You with your fluffy hair
And me with my sneaky ways
We were something of a kind.
We found each other
And danced between earth and sky
And screamed from the top of our lungs
Our love for each other
That no one could understand
At the last floor of a block
Or in an elevator going down
Taking you away from me.
The last time we saw each other
You didn't scream
Like you used to when you closed the doors
But you waited until I went back inside
Taking care of the little cat
Before the bird took its last flight
Down.
Something died that day
Your wings in the elevator
The voice in my throat
When tears burst into my eyes.
And this is how a whole language dies
When the only two people in the world left to speak it
Don't speak to each other
anymore.

Target range

If you could put a target sheet over my body
You could see how the bullets never missed the line.
Ten points if it goes through her stomach
Fifty points if it goes through her head
One hundred if it goes through her heart
Punch her, stab her, cut her through
Until the paper curls at the holes
Until the paper can no longer stay in place
And falls on the ground
And you jump over her
You and your friends
Until it's no longer a paper
But a piece of shred.
You just got maximum of points,
Congratulations, there is no doubt: 
Your target is dead.

miercuri, 13 septembrie 2017

Rugăminte

Aș prefera să închizi gura
Înainte să iasă o mizerie îngrozitoare
Cum ar fi un roi de insecte zburătoare
Negre
Pe care ți-e silă să le vezi noaptea înainte de culcare
Știu că tu nu ai nicio problemă
Să dormi lângă tine
Tu nu te vezi, și nu știi ce nu se simte bine
Dar pentru cine stă pe perna ailaltă
Să fii luat de preș mereu
Nu e o veste minunată.
Dacă vrei să-ți ștergi pantofii
Fă-o la intrare
De-aia am cumpărat carpetă
Ca să o folosești
Și să lași acolo toate răutățile
De care ești în stare.

În altă parte

jacques-henri-lartigue
Pielea mea miroase a sare de mare
Când ajung seara acasă
Deși nu am mai fost la mare de atâta timp
Părul meu își amintește de ea
Și se-nfioară pe creste
Acolo unde soarele nu m-a mai atins
Și nimic
De atâta timp.
Am apă care-mi trăiește-n oase
Se transformă după formele
Celor pe care îi iubesc
Aș putea crede că pielea mea
Nu mai are identitate
Poartă mirosul vostru
Și mă duce prea departe.
Aș vrea să nu fie numai cu gândul
Corpul meu a rămas aici
Și e lovit de valuri sărate
Coborând peste răni vechi
Acoperi-ți-mi-l, vă rog, 
Cineva
Cât eu încă sunt cu mintea
În altă parte.

sâmbătă, 9 septembrie 2017

Notite XVIII

Every now and then
I change the bucket near the bed
It's filled with blood and nightmares
But who cares
That I die every night
If by morning I'm revived?
I throw you all away during the day
Just to start again
When my eyes close
I always thought you were the light of my life
But now I only find you in the darkness
Waiting in the corner with a knife.
How is it that I never win
However much I fight it
I'm always here for you to feed
You leave me nothing
Only empty places
From which to bleed.

joi, 7 septembrie 2017

The one that got away

(or another failed experiment)

Our eyes meet across the street before our bodies do
You say hello, I say hello to you
A quick handshake where we both wished it could be more
But it's only a first date, you don't wish to rush things
And my eyes lower down as my heart stings
I already know what I want, but what he wants I couldn't say
I wish I could just run away
But my legs won't move, and they beg to stay.
The days go by, and we meet again
Every time the same feeling in my chest
Wishing he wouldn't see me as a friend
But his long embraces tell me something else
And my response is always tense.
When he first kissed me it was already our sixth date
I was already counting days and couldn't wait
There were coincidences in every gesture we would make
The places we would put our hands in the bus
Or the sandals we'd wear on the same day
The place our heads would rest in movie theaters seats
And the legs we'd touch by mistake and quickly apologize with a shake
I never thought I could shake so much at the sight of a boy
And it was almost as if I didn't have a choice
When your head leaned spontaneously on the bench
And grabbed my head to kiss me
Just after our first long embrace.
Before we first made love I already thought it was fate
That brought such similar souls together
And decided not to let my happiness wait.
So I rushed in and felt so safe
You took care that I didn't hit my head in your small bed
And smiled happily that I liked your room
Lighted only by one bulb that was red.
There was music on the background, you put in your favorite band
And grabbed me in your arms where I wished I could forever stand.
So what happened, must I ask?
You never gave me an answer until the end
I, who was counting days, never knew when
You thought I wasn't what you wanted
And left me, with a heart broken in ten.
How is it that you do that?
What magic classes do you attend
To make it look so simple and give no meaning to it?
Is it the rule of this game you're all playing?
That once you conquer a territory,
It suddenly becomes ordinary
And leave without a notice, telling your new land
You don't understand how it got so involved
It was all just a game, and once a player wins
The credits roll "the end".
I wish you wouldn't invade me like a piece of dirt
And you the foreign army that comes to occupate this earth
That once you put your hand on
You decide you have to leave for a new country
For this one has ran out of gold.
I'm not a country, I'm a nation that you cross
I'm a whole living being, and not an object that you toss
You worship, you conquer and you take
But when you desert me, it is my heart  you break.
Please do not come if you are going away
Don't sing me a national anthem
And promise to lean at my feet and pray
My home is no palace, I'm a simple woman
And when I say "I love you" I know that I intend to stay.

(For R.)

Curly brown hair

I would have put a picture of you here if I hadn't erased them all

On the last time we saw you, you looked so much younger
Your curly brown hair was now burning brighter
You moved through the crowds almost as if you owned them
And then passed the street to greet with your lover.
I hear that you're building your little life
Up in the center
You're living happily now,
Your job is well
Your family and new friends are treating you better.
Well, I see you there with a smile on your cheek
As you walk to catch the train in the morning
And on the road you fell asleep
Well, I see she's excited as well
She takes a pic as you sit
There, with the head on the table, with your curls
And unshaved beard, all looking weak.
After you've been in the club 'til the sunrise
Now you're running at the seaside
You're up to party every night in every place you meet
But you're in the arms of your lover
And she's holding you deep.

Yes, and Di came by with no memories to share
Not of you anyway
And when I first looked at her, I was happy
For I had nothing left to break.
She was happy and radiant
And laughed all through the night
I was thinking, this is the girl,
The girl you left me for that winter night.
Well, I still thanked for the trouble she took from my life
I thought it was there for good
Full of heartache and lies.
Yes, and Di came by with a whole heart to share
But this time it was mine:
"You're a wonderful woman
Much more wonderful than I".

And what can I tell you, my brother, my lover,
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you.
I'm glad she stood in our way:
It was all a lie to you.
But I was happy
And for that I thank you.

Sincerely,
your "ciusă"

(after the pace of a song from Leonard Cohen)

Dancer in the dark



caderno da desorganização - 2016
How does one know how to dance still?
When she steps on a dark floor
A dark empty floor
With no one to watch
And no music but the one in her head
To grab hold
Yet her hand always reaches further
Always hoping her steps will find safe ground
And a hand to grab in the dark
Yet they never do
And her fingers are never found
How does no one gets to see her
As she leans towards the dance floor?
She makes a bow towards the earth
Her heart always open
Always willing to offer more
And more
As the music in her head
Gets to be only the sound of a slamming door.
How is it that her steps learn
Even the rhythm of a single note
If that is the only memory she has left of him?
How is it that she moves still
Towards that closed door
And dances again the steps you left on the floor
Hoping this way she can still grab a hold
Of a partner in dance
In the dance of love?
How is it that he dances still
Without her?

There was once the story of a boy and girl
Like they say in the fairytales, in a time far far away
That is said to last forever
In the heart of a little girl
That never ages, never grows cold
And dances happily ever after
With nothing but her dream to hold.

Will you remember this
As you grow old?
Our fairytale, like the one our parents told,
There, in the empty room, when you’ll be alone
And a tune from far away comes in your mind
Wouldn’t you wish you could get up and dance
To that sweet dear song?
But you’ll have no one left
No loving little girl
Just your own body to hold
Alone and miserable
As you realize how much
You were once loved.
But it will be too late
And yourself too old
And she may be dead
But you can’t forget
How you did her wrong
Nor the taste her lips had in that cold wind
On a winter night
In January two thousand and fourteen.

miercuri, 6 septembrie 2017

Notite XVII

Tell me something nice
Like all this has a purpose
Like I matter
Like I can make someone's life better
Only by being in it
Not now
But someday
One day
Because you trust in it
I will too.

duminică, 3 septembrie 2017

Notite XVI

Here comes that empty feeling in my heart again.

After the fall

I’m Your Burial Ground photo series, 2017
© Eloīza Rozentāle
If I try, maybe I could go back
Before everything fell apart
Before I met you
Before I met people
Before I could talk
Before I could share myself
And watch it all walk away from me.
It was better when I knew nothing of this world
It was better when I didn't try to understand
What makes a wolf kill a weaker creature
And what makes her get up and stand.
There is a law of survival in this darkness
And if you match a light
And go in good heart, you'd think they'd let you through
But it is darkness you fight against darkness
And it is death that gives place to another life
Your life, his place
And it is the knife, and not the gentle cheek
That breaks a beast's hold
You can make it through
But only if you bleed and turn your heart cold.
This is what they did
This is what you'll do.
You turn your soul to ice
And nothing,
Not even his sharp tongue,
Can break through.

Recolta

netosen Project | 2013 | Model: Sechmet | by: Neto
Dacă te-ai uita înăuntru, te-ai speria
Nu am vrut niciodată să te sperii
De aceea nu m-am dezbrăcat niciodată complet
Pentru nimeni.
Sufletul meu e pârlit
Și tot ce a rămas sunt rădăcini
Rădăcini care încă cresc, nu știu de unde
Peste vreascuri de carne topită
Pe care nu le-a curățat nimeni.
Aș vrea să tai tot ceea ce a căzut
Ca să cresc sănătoasă din nou
Dar e prea multă arsură pe dinăuntru
Și sunt îndrăgostită de rănile mele
Ca un câine care-și linge sângele
La nesfârșit.
Fiecare amintire trăiește acolo
Și crește peste rădăcinile noi
Și se îndoaie de margini
Și se învârte și se încurcă
Până nu mai știu care e fiecare
Corpul meu nu le poate susține pe toate
Și încearcă să le scuipe pe unde poate
Dar nu poți să arunci plantații întregi
Fără să le scoți cu pământ cu tot.
Când eram mică bunicul mă învăța să aleg buruienile
Și spunea ce trebuie tăiat din când în când
Pentru a lăsa florile să crească
Dar eu nici atunci nu am înțeles
De ce ar trebui ceva să moară
Pentru ca restul să trăiască.
Nu mai pot să strâng nimic
Fără să-mi fie greață
Și dacă nu te tai pe tine
Viitorul nu poate să crească.

sâmbătă, 2 septembrie 2017

Shelter

Drawing: Henn Kim
Where do you live?
Inside their hearts, she answered.
And when they are gone?
They are always gone, she answered.
And where do they leave you? On the streets?
They don't leave me anywhere
They go and I find a place elsewhere.
I am a wolf, remember?
I know how to manage.
They taught me that
For sure
Look at how I'm savage
You think my soul is sore
For every beast that left me on the road?
I know they're dead somewhere
Bitter and alone
For blood tastes good only for a while
Later the beast is left hungry
And the lonely wolf dies.
That's why I always find myself a home
The pack survives
And even if they rip my heart out
In the coldest of nights
When the spring comes
I'll rise.

vineri, 1 septembrie 2017

Notite XV

They say travelers always come back home.
Unfortunately,
Nobody's home.
And my body is home to anybody
Anymore.
Photo: Daisuke Yokota, Teikai (Linger), 2014

marți, 29 august 2017

Notite XIV

Forgive and forget.
For you,
Not for anyone else.

luni, 28 august 2017

Mantra

Photo: desnudamento-ser.tumblr.com
Fake it.
Fake it until you make it, that's what they say.
Maybe if I tell myself everyday
That sheep are dancing, and that they can fly
They will, eventually, and they won't let me die.
Maybe if I tell myself I'm not lonely every night
That the sheep are keeping me company
And hug pillows until I fall asleep
I will be embraced, eventually,
In my sleep, up in the sky.
And maybe if I tell myself every morning
That if I open my eyes you are there
On the other side
You will be, eventually,
And the crying of the sheep will stop
For there is, finally,
Hope.

sâmbătă, 26 august 2017

Notite XIII

Maybe this is the path into becoming a wolf myself.

Aftermath

Photo: desnudamento-ser.tumblr.com
I'm tired of always having to bury the people I love
But I have to, otherwise they would fill me with disease
With disease and with desire
And the dead, they can't stay more than a few days in the sun
They can't stand the light in my house and, other than that,
They stink.
So I ask them to remove the body,
I clean the house and I patiently wait.
What for?
For the pain, of course.
For the pain to come
For the pain to go away. 
I never go to the funerals
I don't need to see them again
I don't need a final goodbye
I don't need any of that.
Once the beloved is gone
There is nothing left to do
Than prepare the bed sheets only for one
And the breakfast too.
All the weekends
And all the happy time
The time in general
I sit for days and prepare time
As if I would sew my laundry
My broken laundry
Gloves and socks
Only for one
Never in pair
As if he was never there.
So I clean the house and patiently wait.
But the pain is never patient
And it never goes away
And the smell either
They never go away.
There is still someone dead in my house
And that someone is me.

sâmbătă, 19 august 2017

Nature boy

You're so beautiful it makes me sad.
Your eyes make little sparks when you smile
And a big hole underneath your left lash,
Near your scar
Where I like to kiss you the best
When you are distracted
And you don't see me
But you don't see me at all
This is why
You're so beautiful it makes me sad.
Your arms become stone-hard
When you hold me underneath
Where you like to kiss me the best
But I am never distracted
Only by you
Each day, every day
But you don't see me
How could you?
You are so beautiful
So beautiful it makes me sad.
Your feet over me in the morning
Leaning heavily
Everywhere
When you are asleep
Like a baby, holding me
Distractedly
Only then
Maybe you see me
Because you need me
I bring you comfort
Bring you pleasure
A place to forget your troubles
Maybe
But you don't see me
As I see you
Because I don't need you -
You don't bring me comfort
You're so beautiful it makes me sad.
You bring me pleasure
But so much pleasure
It almost makes me cry
When I shiver over you
Like a baby too
And you kiss me
And you smile underneath
Because you know.
A place to forget all my troubles
Yes, you are
You're my home
And I love you
When you come knocking at my door
But you are my biggest trouble
When you are away
Because I don't know
When you'll ever ask me to stay
For good.

(For R.)


marți, 1 august 2017

Wolfsbane

I moan silently in the night
Like a squeaking dog
You ask me what is wrong -
You're too weak, wild cat
Much too weak
If you want to come with me into the cold
Please grow strong
Otherwise I will have to leave you here
When the summer ends
Because I've always been a winter wolf
A lonely wolf
That has to survive.
I am just like you, lonely wolf
Forgive me
But if you want me to be your friend
Into the winter
You will have to tame me
And then be responsible for me
The one you tame
For I am still weak, you see
Much too weak, you say
But you chose me
Now please don't cast me aside
Or I will die
And you will never find
Someone to lick your wounds
When the battle comes
Like I would have.
As weak as you see me
I am a particular creature
That grows stronger than all the others
Through the love of her mate
And the fate
Brought two wolves together
A grown-up and a cub 
To save
Them both.

(For R.)

Notite XII

Pielea transpirată miroase a corcodușe.

Mort tăcut

Pentru o secundă e liniște. Te retragi și te desfaci. Corpul tău e greu. Dar nu îl simt greu. Parcă te-ai topi. Și te țin mereu să nu te împrăștii pe lângă mine. Te strâng tot înăuntru cu mâinile goale. Și mâinile tale sunt căzute. Ghearele noastre sunt obosite de cât au sfâșiat. Lupii cad obosiți din luptă. Își usucă sângele unul peste celălalt. Te mângâi pe părul strâns și ciufulit pe care nu mă lași niciodată altcândva să îl ating. Miroși a iarbă udă. Fiara din mine e fericită. Nu mai e nevoie să o hrănesc. Cu nimic. E momentul din zi când mintea mea tace. Singurul moment. Aproape adormim pentru un minut. Nu sunt ferestre la camera noastră. E un spațiu în toate părțile. Un spațiu care se dilată la nesfârșit. Și corpul tău care mă împinge în jos. Pe pielea mea cresc încet flori. Verzi la început. Apoi violete. Și dureroase. Corpul meu prinde rădăcini în tine. Nu va mai fi niciodată sterp. Sau singur acum. Ne scufundăm în saltea. Și pentru o secundă e liniște.

(Pentru R.)

Home?

Why do I feel like crying everytime you crash into me
It's the best feeling I ever had
And the saddest at the same time
I never had love like that
I never wanted to tell someone this bad
How I wish I could die right now
When he's all wrapped into me
Legs and arms
Heads and hairs
Skins and sweat
And I wake up smiling into the night
Wishing I wouldn't have to wake up at all.
Please don't ever leave
I love you
But you will never know
Our bodies are silent
As they die into the night
With screams
And pain
So much pain
From finally being allowed to move
As if they never knew
They had tears of pleasure too
And not only sadness
In a little place
They call home.

(For R.)

Notite XI

Making love to you
Is like a silent cry
Trapped in the walls
That are waiting for the earthquake
To set them loose.

(For R.)

marți, 25 iulie 2017

the baby pups

Maybe we lasted so long
Because we met in the cold season
Where all bodies craved warmth
And I finally could share my own cold
In an embrace that wouldn't grow bored.
Now all the bodies are melting underneath
And want to be lonely
Sleeping in the sun
Like baby pups
Or cats
Like I told him this morning he looked like
A moaning lazy cat
That wouldn't touch, but bite
And brings me fright
Because he is so much like me
A silent wolf
And so less like him
A stupid dog
That only came into the night.
How can the baby pups
Grow strong into the morning
And learn to make love
With their claws
Still not grown
And bite marks
From a species
Not of their own?

Please go gentle

I have to write this
I have to tell you
How much you've hurt me
For the million time
You've taken away from me
All of my covers
And now I'm like a naked apple
All that touches me
Leaves a scratch
New knives in old places
No one reaches so deep
As that old wound
But still
I feel everything so much deeper now
As if you've left me naked
And shivering in the rain
And all the raindrops
Are crashing into my skin.
I wish I could close myself up again
And not look for people
Like they could be covers
Where I have only empty mattresses
I crave
I open
But somehow never completely
They just touch a small surface
And quickly leave
And push me away
They don't want to keep me warm in the night
That good night
I've been searching for ages now.
Is there never gonna safe
For me to walk into the rain again
Is there never gonna be a body
Waiting for me to sink
Like there's no tomorrow
Only this cold night
That I wish to be a good night
At least this time
For me too?

Why can't anybody love me
Why doesn't anyone go gentle
Why doesn't anyone like to hold me
Why can't anybody keep me
I have only one wish
Will you grant it this time?
Oh, Lord,
You've been so cruel
So cruel
I have so much hate to hold
So much longing
And so much hate
I have to stop building homes in other people
For they always crash
Before the night comes
And I have to start again the morning
But I've grown tired
You tell me you can't sleep well
When I'm with you
Well, I can't sleep either
For I am not with you
Not really
You're miles away
Just like he was
Just like the moon is
At least she is gonna be on my sky
Forever, every night
And watch me sleep
With a gentle eye
Waiting to close it
Only when my body will finally die.
(I hope it happens soon
I hope a car crashes into my body
And finally destroys all that room
That nobody wants to live in anymore.)

sâmbătă, 22 iulie 2017

Notite X

Trebuie să pun pământul înapoi la florile care au căzut.

The cast

You told me how you took out your knife
And carved out your way through the bandages
That were healing you
Because you couldn't stand being trapped.
Now you have a broken finger
And a crooked hand
But you are free in the end
You were always free
Thank you for taking me
With you.

Bliss

People are so beautiful
The way they smile when you kiss them
They look like babies.

Your hair turns perfectly blonde then
Your skin red
And your eyelashes stick together
Only to open
With big staring eyes
To check like a newborn
I swear
In that moment
You are ageless
You look blessed
You're out of this time
You're pure light
And you're sinking into mine.

marți, 11 iulie 2017

No penny for the ferryman

As for you
There is a bill waiting for you
At the other side of hell
Waiting to be paid
For all the crimes you have done
Finally
In a day without a sun.

This time I'm gonna keep it to myself

Forgive me
When I see you
When you hold me
It's just too much for me to take
That sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be sick
And if I draw away from you
It is because I fear
The light gathered in my throat
Is gonna choke me
And implode.
Forgive me
I can't give people any more knives
To stick inside
I simply cannot
You don't know how after that much happiness
Comes just as much pain
Too much
And it's been too much for me lately
To take.
Forgive me
But you don't know how they played
In monstrous ways
And it's not just my body
I can't allow anyone to touch
But my mind too
Because once I allow you to look
I'll be exposed completely
And you may laugh at my open doors in time
And it's a risk I just can't take.
Forgive me
I want to trust you
But somehow every time I try to make
My way to you
A skin can't but remember
All the other skins that scratched onto it
And all the other boys
All the other bodies
That broke it apart.
Forgive me
At least if you're gonna leave
You didn't make me believe
There was something horrible like a hope
Waiting to kill me again.

marți, 4 iulie 2017

Put a name to my imaginary past

You used to roll me up in the air
And put names to our imaginary babies
After you and after me
And say how you would like them to look like me
Because you loved me so much
You did, didn t you?
Or it was all a lie
And that s what you were saying to all of those girls
You were taking out in the meantime
And spent all your money with
And all your time
And all your love
And all your dreams.
Were you telling them too about our imaginary babies
Or you were making up new ones with them?
Were you telling them of our walks in the parks?
While we stood for hours at the roots of trees
All curled up
As if we were growing ourselves
In the ground
Were you calling them
In the ways you used to call me
In our special voice
Were you calling them
Like you used to call me
Your "chicken"
And laugh about
How it sounded?
Were they writing love poems to you on tea tables
In your first month together
Were you telling them you love them
Like you did with me
Straight away?
Did they believe you?

Were you telling them about our short holidays?
When we were living all by ourselves
Shopping together
Cooking together
And sleeping together
And washing together
More than twins living aside.
Were you telling them the clothes you were wearing
Were all from me 
And you were making love with them
Covered still in all of my love?
Were you telling them all of the moves
You learned them from me?
Were you telling them
How I made you a man?
Were you telling them your bones
And your holes
Were only made for one shape
Like you used to tell me?
Were you telling them you had a girl waiting at home?
For you
With your imaginary babies
And your imaginary love
And your imaginary relationship
Because she was just crazy
And you denied her all along
And all of your memories
As if your whole life together
Was imaginary too.