This time I'm gonna keep it to myself

Forgive me
When I see you
When you hold me
It's just too much for me to take
That sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be sick
And if I draw away from you
It is because I fear
The light gathered in my throat
Is gonna choke me
And implode.
Forgive me
I can't give people any more knives
To stick inside
I simply cannot
You don't know how after that much happiness
Comes just as much pain
Too much
And it's been too much for me lately
To take.
Forgive me
But you don't know how they played
In monstrous ways
And it's not just my body
I can't allow anyone to touch
But my mind too
Because once I allow you to look
I'll be exposed completely
And you may laugh at my open doors in time
And it's a risk I just can't take.
Forgive me
I want to trust you
But somehow every time I try to make
My way to you
A skin can't but remember
All the other skins that scratched onto it
And all the other boys
All the other bodies
That broke it apart.
Forgive me
At least if you're gonna leave
You didn't make me believe
There was something horrible like a hope
Waiting to kill me again.