Clean paper

I opened up my notebook
Wishing to write
About how I feel
These days I haven't been really good at that
Telling how I feel
Even though I have drowned
Repeatedly
Bending over the bathtub
In dark days
With my hair wet, and my face wet
Over thoughts I can't stop
Don't want to stop
From hearing.
I have cried so much
Inside my head
That my lips when they open
They don't know what to say
Or how to move
They just close back
They don't know how to form a thought
And deliver it to the other.
When I raise my hand across the table
You won't feel my warmth
For that didn't happen
I never moved
Never touched
Never delivered.

Did I have a good day?
No, I had a forced day,
A forced happiness,
Forced survival
Like any other day
Like months and years
No end
Just lies
Lives I can not bear to have
In my head alone
And nothing touching my sight
I long to see something real
More than anything else these days
When I hold my breath to hear
Your voice speaking my name.