People I knew

The day the man I knew left
Was the day the girl that he knew left.
They both left me
And now I am alone with someone I don't know
But I've grown to know for some while now
Just like I knew them too.
Those two children
Too in love to ever grow old
Two children that stopped the world
And got out alone into the light.
Now the girl you knew is no more
In a few moments
She grew ten years older
And the child
Her laugh, her faith
And her light too
Gone forever as well
Swallowed in another train
That you sent her to take alone
That night that you cheated on her.
You could never turn back time even if you wanted to
I never took that train with her
I just stood there and watched her leave
And knew I was going to miss her terribly
Just like you will too
But it will be too late
You're starting to grow old
Just like she is
And the two children that I once knew
Will never recognize each other again.

Claw-winged creature

We invented a new sort of talking;
I don't know how we should call it
It was something mixed between a bird and a cat,
A claw-winged creature:
You with your fluffy hair
And me with my sneaky ways
We were something of a kind.
We found each other
And danced between earth and sky
And screamed from the top of our lungs
Our love for each other
That no one could understand
At the last floor of a block
Or in an elevator going down
Taking you away from me.
The last time we saw each other
You didn't scream
Like you used to when you closed the doors
But you waited until I went back inside
Taking care of the little cat
Before the bird took its last flight
Down.
Something died that day
Your wings in the elevator
The voice in my throat
When tears burst into my eyes.
And this is how a whole language dies
When the only two people in the world left to speak it
Don't speak to each other
anymore.

Target range

If you could put a target sheet over my body
You could see how the bullets never missed the line.
Ten points if it goes through her stomach
Fifty points if it goes through her head
One hundred if it goes through her heart
Punch her, stab her, cut her through
Until the paper curls at the holes
Until the paper can no longer stay in place
And falls on the ground
And you jump over her
You and your friends
Until it's no longer a paper
But a piece of shred.
You just got maximum of points,
Congratulations, there is no doubt: 
Your target is dead.

Rugăminte

Aș prefera să închizi gura
Înainte să iasă o mizerie îngrozitoare
Cum ar fi un roi de insecte zburătoare
Negre
Pe care ți-e silă să le vezi noaptea înainte de culcare
Știu că tu nu ai nicio problemă
Să dormi lângă tine
Tu nu te vezi, și nu știi ce nu se simte bine
Dar pentru cine stă pe perna ailaltă
Să fii luat de preș mereu
Nu e o veste minunată.
Dacă vrei să-ți ștergi pantofii
Fă-o la intrare
De-aia am cumpărat carpetă
Ca să o folosești
Și să lași acolo toate răutățile
De care ești în stare.

În altă parte

jacques-henri-lartigue

Pielea mea miroase a sare de mare
Când ajung seara acasă
Deși nu am mai fost la mare de atâta timp
Părul meu își amintește de ea
Și se-nfioară pe creste
Acolo unde soarele nu m-a mai atins
Și nimic
De atâta timp.
Am apă care-mi trăiește-n oase
Se transformă după formele
Celor pe care îi iubesc
Aș putea crede că pielea mea
Nu mai are identitate
Poartă mirosul vostru
Și mă duce prea departe.
Aș vrea să nu fie numai cu gândul
Corpul meu a rămas aici
Și e lovit de valuri sărate
Coborând peste răni vechi
Acoperi-ți-mi-l, vă rog, 
Cineva
Cât eu încă sunt cu mintea
În altă parte.

Notite XVIII

Every now and then
I change the bucket near the bed
It's filled with blood and nightmares
But who cares
That I die every night
If by morning I'm revived?
I throw you all away during the day
Just to start again
When my eyes close
I always thought you were the light of my life
But now I only find you in the darkness
Waiting in the corner with a knife.
How is it that I never win
However much I fight it
I'm always here for you to feed
You leave me nothing
Only empty places
From which to bleed.

The one that got away

(or another failed experiment)

Our eyes meet across the street before our bodies do
You say hello, I say hello to you
A quick handshake where we both wished it could be more
But it's only a first date, you don't wish to rush things
And my eyes lower down as my heart stings
I already know what I want, but what he wants I couldn't say
I wish I could just run away
But my legs won't move, and they beg to stay.
The days go by, and we meet again
Every time the same feeling in my chest
Wishing he wouldn't see me as a friend
But his long embraces tell me something else
And my response is always tense.
When he first kissed me it was already our sixth date
I was already counting days and couldn't wait
There were coincidences in every gesture we would make
The places we would put our hands in the bus
Or the sandals we'd wear on the same day
The place our heads would rest in movie theaters seats
And the legs we'd touch by mistake and quickly apologize with a shake
I never thought I could shake so much at the sight of a boy
And it was almost as if I didn't have a choice
When your head leaned spontaneously on the bench
And grabbed my head to kiss me
Just after our first long embrace.
Before we first made love I already thought it was fate
That brought such similar souls together
And decided not to let my happiness wait.
So I rushed in and felt so safe
You took care that I didn't hit my head in your small bed
And smiled happily that I liked your room
Lighted only by one bulb that was red.
There was music on the background, you put in your favorite band
And grabbed me in your arms where I wished I could forever stand.
So what happened, must I ask?
You never gave me an answer until the end
I, who was counting days, never knew when
You thought I wasn't what you wanted
And left me, with a heart broken in ten.
How is it that you do that?
What magic classes do you attend
To make it look so simple and give no meaning to it?
Is it the rule of this game you're all playing?
That once you conquer a territory,
It suddenly becomes ordinary
And leave without a notice, telling your new land
You don't understand how it got so involved
It was all just a game, and once a player wins
The credits roll "the end".
I wish you wouldn't invade me like a piece of dirt
And you the foreign army that comes to occupate this earth
That once you put your hand on
You decide you have to leave for a new country
For this one has ran out of gold.
I'm not a country, I'm a nation that you cross
I'm a whole living being, and not an object that you toss
You worship, you conquer and you take
But when you desert me, it is my heart  you break.
Please do not come if you are going away
Don't sing me a national anthem
And promise to lean at my feet and pray
My home is no palace, I'm a simple woman
And when I say "I love you" I know that I intend to stay.

(For R.)

Curly brown hair

I would have put a picture of you here if I hadn't erased them all

On the last time we saw you, you looked so much younger
Your curly brown hair was now burning brighter
You moved through the crowds almost as if you owned them
And then passed the street to greet with your lover.
I hear that you're building your little life
Up in the center
You're living happily now,
Your job is well
Your family and new friends are treating you better.
Well, I see you there with a smile on your cheek
As you walk to catch the train in the morning
And on the road you fell asleep
Well, I see she's excited as well
She takes a pic as you sit
There, with the head on the table, with your curls
And unshaved beard, all looking weak.
After you've been in the club 'til the sunrise
Now you're running at the seaside
You're up to party every night in every place you meet
But you're in the arms of your lover
And she's holding you deep.

Yes, and Di came by with no memories to share
Not of you anyway
And when I first looked at her, I was happy
For I had nothing left to break.
She was happy and radiant
And laughed all through the night
I was thinking, this is the girl,
The girl you left me for that winter night.
Well, I still thanked for the trouble she took from my life
I thought it was there for good
Full of heartache and lies.
Yes, and Di came by with a whole heart to share
But this time it was mine:
"You're a wonderful woman
Much more wonderful than I".

And what can I tell you, my brother, my lover,
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you.
I'm glad she stood in our way:
It was all a lie to you.
But I was happy
And for that I thank you.

Sincerely,
your "ciusă"

(after the pace of a song from Leonard Cohen)

Dancer in the dark

caderno da desorganização - 2016

How does one know how to dance still?

When she steps on a dark floor

A dark empty floor

With no one to watch

And no music but the one in her head

To grab hold

Yet her hand always reaches further

Always hoping her steps will find safe ground

And a hand to grab in the dark

Yet they never do

And her fingers are never found

How does no one gets to see her

As she leans towards the dance floor?

She makes a bow towards the earth

Her heart always open

Always willing to offer more

And more

As the music in her head

Gets to be only the sound of a slamming door.

How is it that her steps learn

Even the rhythm of a single note

If that is the only memory she has left of him?

How is it that she moves still

Towards that closed door

And dances again the steps you left on the floor

Hoping this way she can still grab a hold

Of a partner in dance

In the dance of love?

How is it that he dances still

Without her?

There was once the story of a boy and girl

Like they say in the fairytales, in a time far far away

That is said to last forever

In the heart of a little girl

That never ages, never grows cold

And dances happily ever after

With nothing but her dream to hold.

Will you remember this

As you grow old?

Our fairytale, like the one our parents told,

There, in the empty room, when you’ll be alone

And a tune from far away comes in your mind

Wouldn’t you wish you could get up and dance

To that sweet dear song?

But you’ll have no one left

No loving little girl

Just your own body to hold

Alone and miserable

As you realize how much

You were once loved.

But it will be too late

And yourself too old

And she may be dead

But you can’t forget

How you did her wrong

Nor the taste her lips had in that cold wind

On a winter night

In January two thousand and fourteen.

Notite XVII

Tell me something nice
Like all this has a purpose
Like I matter
Like I can make someone's life better
Only by being in it
Not now
But someday
One day
Because you trust in it
I will too.

Notite XVI

Here comes that empty feeling in my heart again.

After the fall

I’m Your Burial Ground photo series, 2017
© Eloīza Rozentāle

If I try, maybe I could go back
Before everything fell apart
Before I met you
Before I met people
Before I could talk
Before I could share myself
And watch it all walk away from me.
It was better when I knew nothing of this world
It was better when I didn't try to understand
What makes a wolf kill a weaker creature
And what makes her get up and stand.
There is a law of survival in this darkness
And if you match a light
And go in good heart, you'd think they'd let you through
But it is darkness you fight against darkness
And it is death that gives place to another life
Your life, his place
And it is the knife, and not the gentle cheek
That breaks a beast's hold
You can make it through
But only if you bleed and turn your heart cold.
This is what they did
This is what you'll do.
You turn your soul to ice
And nothing,
Not even his sharp tongue,
Can break through.

Recolta

netosen Project | 2013 | Model: Sechmet | by: Neto

Dacă te-ai uita înăuntru, te-ai speria
Nu am vrut niciodată să te sperii
De aceea nu m-am dezbrăcat niciodată complet
Pentru nimeni.
Sufletul meu e pârlit
Și tot ce a rămas sunt rădăcini
Rădăcini care încă cresc, nu știu de unde
Peste vreascuri de carne topită
Pe care nu le-a curățat nimeni.
Aș vrea să tai tot ceea ce a căzut
Ca să cresc sănătoasă din nou
Dar e prea multă arsură pe dinăuntru
Și sunt îndrăgostită de rănile mele
Ca un câine care-și linge sângele
La nesfârșit.
Fiecare amintire trăiește acolo
Și crește peste rădăcinile noi
Și se îndoaie de margini
Și se învârte și se încurcă
Până nu mai știu care e fiecare
Corpul meu nu le poate susține pe toate
Și încearcă să le scuipe pe unde poate
Dar nu poți să arunci plantații întregi
Fără să le scoți cu pământ cu tot.
Când eram mică bunicul mă învăța să aleg buruienile
Și spunea ce trebuie tăiat din când în când
Pentru a lăsa florile să crească
Dar eu nici atunci nu am înțeles
De ce ar trebui ceva să moară
Pentru ca restul să trăiască.
Nu mai pot să strâng nimic
Fără să-mi fie greață
Și dacă nu te tai pe tine
Viitorul nu poate să crească.

Shelter

Drawing: Henn Kim

Where do you live?
Inside their hearts, she answered.

And when they are gone?
They are always gone, she answered.
And where do they leave you? On the streets?
They don't leave me anywhere
They go and I find a place elsewhere.
I am a wolf, remember?
I know how to manage.
They taught me that
For sure
Look at how I'm savage
You think my soul is sore
For every beast that left me on the road?
I know they're dead somewhere
Bitter and alone
For blood tastes good only for a while
Later the beast is left hungry
And the lonely wolf dies.
That's why I always find myself a home
The pack survives
And even if they rip my heart out
In the coldest of nights
When the spring comes
I'll rise.

Notite XV

They say travelers always come back home.
Unfortunately,
Nobody's home.
And my body is home to anybody
Anymore.

Photo: Daisuke Yokota, Teikai (Linger), 2014