Lavender tea and cigarettes

Drinking lavender tea and smoking cigarettes for breakfast
Is the best definition for how I've been living the past year
In an attempt to calm and hurt myself
At the same time.
Thinking daily about pointing needles through my skin
Making a new tattoo
And avoiding the doctor out of fear of needles.
Thinking about how I need a hug before going to sleep
But rejecting every person that tries to touch me
Thinking about how I want a new lover
But avoiding anyone new.
Taking acting classes to decrease my social anxiety
But staying alone in the house for days.
I hate horror movies
And only write horror stories when I have assignments for school
I want to become a director someday
But scroll over that script contest I liked some days ago on Facebook
And keeps showing in my news feed.
Hating my exes, but writing messages to them every few months
To check up when what I really want is to break a hole through their skulls.
Hating myself, but doing yoga every night trying to grow that self-love.
Wondering how it would be like if I would write to that teacher in high school
That saw me when I was invisible
While, at the same time, I give myself one half hour per day to wonder what that bully at college
Said about me today.
Listening to stress-relief music while pulling out the skin around my fingers
Hating the sight of blood while I suck those empty spots around my nails
And think about how blood tastes like rust.
Thinking about how much I love life when I eat spiced Chinese rice I know to cook best
And how much I don't like life when I grow bored of food and can't eat anything for days.
Thinking about how I won't surround myself with negative people anymore
And give new excuses to the guy that said I had autism a week ago
And unblock him, and accept an apology
When in fact I wanted to say "fuck you".
Saying "maybe" everytime when what I meant was "no".
Apologizing everyday when I'm not asked to.
Ecstatically thinking about the future far away from here with my new family
And thinking about how the kids with my ex would have looked like
Or how his blonde hair will look like with grey in it.
Having an orgasm and crying the moment after it ends.
Looking at old photos with a smile and then finding out a familiar face I didn't want to see
With a tear.
Wanting the past back while not wanting it with every fiber of my body.
Trying to kill myself with pills and calling the ambulance one hour later.
Going to college everyday, happy that I have a purpose
And getting panic attacks a moment after about how I'm gonna turn homeless.
Thinking about how I miss my grandparents and going to visit them
When we have no subjects to talk about.
Every day I want to get out of bed
Only because I want that daily nightmare to stop, but another one starts
In the morning.